


Medication

by KingZackGoth



Series: Psychopath Mikey AU [2]
Category: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (TV 2012), Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles - All Media Types
Genre: Abusive Parents, Drug Addiction, F/M, Implied/Referenced Domestic Violence, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Non-Explicit Sex, Non-Sexual Intimacy, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Secret Relationship, Sex Addiction, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Trans Male Character, Transphobia, Unhealthy Relationships
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-08
Updated: 2020-07-11
Packaged: 2021-03-01 22:26:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 20
Words: 22,622
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23544604
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KingZackGoth/pseuds/KingZackGoth
Summary: Michelangelo likes being alone sometimes, his brothers knew this and let him be. He never caused any trouble and if anything seemed happier whenever he got back. This changes when one Casey Jones decides to go out patrolling as Mikey is currently out and alone as usual. Casey discovers secrets that only Splinter knows, and will figure out the puzzle that is Michelangelo.
Relationships: Casey Jones & Michelangelo (TMNT), Casey Jones/Michelangelo (TMNT), Donatello/April O'Neil (TMNT), Mona Lisa/Raphael (TMNT)
Series: Psychopath Mikey AU [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1712629
Comments: 26
Kudos: 90





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> Something that's been stewing in my brain for a while, I hope you enjoy. (Title based off Medication by YUNGBLUND)

Casey Jones had seen plenty things in his life, especially recently. He'd seen mutant monsters and had been told about aliens. His current best friend is even a giant turtle who knows ninjutsu, actually the turtle's whole family knew ninjutsu, consisting of three others and a giant rat. The though of talking to a giant rat always made his skin crawl for a couple seconds, although he's slowly coming around to it.

Casey is currently patrolling the streets of New York, looking for anything suspicious, purple dragons or mutants, anyone who's asking to get their ass kicked. He usually patrols with his best friend Raphael, but he was a bit too busy wanting to beat his older brother's highscore on just about every game they own. He was told that the younger brother, Michealangelo had also gone out patrolling. This was a surprise as he didn't think Mickey's brothers trusted him alone.

"He actually does it all the time" the eldest had told him, "despite being... Mikey, he likes patrolling alone for a while, he always seems happier when he comes back and so far he hasn't gotten in any trouble so no harm no fo- Dammit!" Leo stared at the video game as Raphael began his victory dance. 

And thus, Casey Jones didn't question it, even though a part of him was a bit worried. Mikey is prone to being chased by villains which really made Casey wonder why his brothers were so okay with it and why Michelangelo was okay with being alone. Suddenly, as he stops jumping from rooftop to rooftop, everything clicked all at once. As the younger turtle was sitting against a wall in front of him, smoking what Casey could tell was weed, or some form of it, a small plastic bag full of colorful pills sat beside him. Mikey seemed happy, eyes closed as he relaxed, a small smile gently resting on his face. With his senses no doubt impaired, he didn't hear Casey getting closer as he couldn't believe what he was seeing.

Michelangelo always seemed happy after coming back from patrolling alone, because he was taking his medication.


	2. Secrets

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Casey tries to wrap his head around this, and Mikey is stubborn.

"Please don't tell them" is the first thing the younger turtle says once he finally notices the shocked frozen teen. He quickly stands up, leaning heavily on the wall "Let me explain-"

"You're high..." Casey says slowly as he finally takes in what he's looking at.

Mikey takes a deep breath "Yeah... I'm high..." he looks down before picking up his bag of pills and snuffing out his joint.

"Why? How? Where did you even-?"

"Please one question at a time, my brain isn't really processing right now..." Mikey interrupts as he's still leaning against the wall.

Casey takes a deep breath "okay... " he thinks for a bit as he decides to start with a relatively small question before getting to the big one of Why? "For how long?"

The young turtle thinks for a bit "um... A couple months?... Not that long after we first went out to the surface..."

"Wasn't that almost a year ago?" Casey decides to actually help Mikey stand straight by holding his shell on his sides.

Mikey holds onto Casey's shoulders as he sways a bit and nods "yeah... I guess so... Can we go somewhere warmer?"

Casey sighs and nods "Yeah... come on..." he throws Mikey's arm over his shoulders as Mikey stuffs the bag in his belt. Casey stops walking for a second and thinks about taking the bag and throwing it over the roof. However, the teen decides against it, deciding to talk to Mikey a bit more before deciding to do anything extreme. He doesn't exactly have experience on helping addicts, if Mikey even is one which he hopes isn't the case. 

There was quite the struggle getting Mikey to Casey's apartment, between Mikey stumbling and swaying, combined with him stopping as he seems to see something that isn't there, needless to say it took a while. Casey opens his window and leans over to whisper "Try to be as quiet as possible, I don't know how I could explain to my little sister why there's a giant high turtle in my room."

The orange clad turtle snickers a bit as he says "Correction: a giant very high ninja turtle." 

"Just be quiet please." The teen has to stop his own snicker as this is a bit of a serious matter. Casey helps the youngest brother into his room before shutting the window and looking back at Mikey.  
Said turtle is sitting on the dark haired teen's bed as he wraps himself in a blanket.

"Cold blooded and cold temperature at night, not a good mix" Mikey explains, along with trying to buy some time. However, Casey doesn't fall for it as he sits in front of him on the bed.

"Plus whatever drugs you took?" Casey looks at him more worried than anything.

Michelangelo shifts a bit uncomfortably before responding "No... none of them make me cold..." There's some silence that draws on for far too long before the human takes a deep breath.

"How did you get them?"

Mikey looks away "I've memorized the purple dragon trucks that carry it... I break in, take what I want and then I leave" he looks at the bag of colorful candy like pills.

Casey once more resists the urge to throw the bag out the window "How... often...?"

The amount of time it takes for the orange clad turtle to answer unnerves the dark haired teen, "it was just every once in a while... then... I think once a week..."

"And now?" Casey looks at him worriedly.

"...every three days maybe... just whenever I feel like I need some" Mikey shrugs as he almost instinctively opens the bag to take some pills. However, Casey stops him, frowning. The youngest turtle smiles and scoffs a bit shaking his head "It's not that bad."

"I'd say it's pretty bad."

"It's not, and I know my limits."

"Do you? I'm not sure if you've factored in that you're not a human, you're a turtle and how much you can handle might be a lot lower than you think" Casey insists as the turtle frowns, starting to look annoyed.

"I. Know. My. Limits" he says slowly "My brothers and I have so many people trying to kill us, excuse me if I want to forget everything for a while. I don't have a problem, it's fine."

"If you didn't think you had a problem, then why was the first thing you told me not to tell your brothers, why keep it secret at all?" Casey can't believe it, the youngest, innocent, carefree turtle is using  
drugs because of the stress that the turtles deal with. It makes him start thinking about how do the others deal with it, hopefully not the same way their youngest brother does.

Michelangelo scoffs again "How do you think they'd react? Besides, it's not like it's the only secret I'm keeping from them."

"What do you mean?"

"Just because I act stupid, doesn't mean I am" Mikey frowns and forcefully throws three pills into his mouth.


	3. I just want to take my medication

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Most titles of the chapters are going to be inspired by YUNGBLUD's Medication)

In what seemed like a blink of an eye, the two teens were fighting over a bag of drugs. Casey thought he'd have an advantage, being much taller than the youngest turtle. However, said young turtle did train as a ninja for many years. Casey tried his best, holding the bag above his head, before Michelangelo swiped at his legs and pinned him to the ground before taking the bag and growling "Don't fucking do that again."

The dark haired teen stared up at him with wide eyes, many thoughts swimming around his head, not entirely knowing what to say. First, Mikey doesn't think he has a problem. Second, Casey hasn't seen Mikey be that fast even in when fighting bad guys. Third, innocent, happy, peppy Mikey said fuck.

Mikey sits on the bed again and sighs "This is why I keep it secret, this is why I never told anyone and why I've been careful up until now."

Casey slowly gets up "...This is... because of stress?"

Mikey chuckles dryly "At first it was just for fun... Beat up some purple dragons and found their stash... So I took some and later at night I had a relaxing time in my room... It is still fun before you say anything" the orange clad turtle adds as if he read the teen's mind. "It's not a problem, it's a relief. I don't need an intervention, just please don't tell my family. Not April either just..." he sighs "This doesn't leave this room, please" the turtle looks over at the dark haired teen.

Casey paces before saying "On one condition... You don't do this alone anymore... I want to make sure that you do know your limits."

Mikey scoffs "Bullshit, I don't need a babysitter."

"I'd argue you do, before you overdose from taking too much." The human frowns as he reaches to take the bag again before the trained turtle grabs his wrist and squeezes far too tightly.

"Don't test me, Jones" he growls as he scowls at the teen. 

Said teen falls to his knees and grimaces from the pain "Shit! Okay! I won't take your drugs from you again!" he whisper yells.

Mikey lets go and looks at him with a serious dark look, then takes out a different bag with a different set of pills as he pops two in his mouth.

Casey resists saying anything as he rubs at his wrist "...you said it's not the only thing you're keeping secret..."

The turtle scoffs and lays on the bed "Just because you caught me in one secret doesn't mean I'm going to tell you all the others." He then stands up and stretches "Well, I should be heading back... they'll start asking why I'm taking so long..."

"But you're high" Casey arches a brow, confused and feeling a twinge of fear as Mikey walks closer and grabs his chin, lifting him up a bit.

"I'll give you a hint to my other secrets... I'm an excellent actor" the usually friendly and bright turtle grins darkly before leaving out the window.

Casey lets out a breath he didn't know he was holding, slowly going onto his bed as he lays there and tries to process everything that just happened. Michelangelo, the youngest, social butterfly of the four brothers does drugs and has been doing them for almost a year. Not just that but it seems he isn't who he pretends to be. It almost seems that what truly does lie underneath is something much darker. The tone with which this Mikey spoke in was serious and almost monotone, like the complete opposite of the bright and emotional Mikey he usually sees. And then that 'hint' that he was given by this new version of the turtle, it reminds him a bit too much of old bullies threatening to punch his teeth in. The teen shakes his head as he hears a knock on his door and a feminine voice asking him "Is everything okay in there?"

Casey takes a deep breath before calling out "Yeah, just dropped some heavy things."

"Okay, stop being clumsy then" his younger sister yells as she walks back to her own room. It manages to get a chuckle out of the hockey player as he sits back up and realizes that he'll have to text the other turtles some excuse for why he won't be coming back to the lair. He reaches for his phone only to see a text from none other than the turtle who just left his room 'You don't have to come back, I'll come up with an excuse for you.' There are a lot of emotions and thoughts that he has over the younger turtle that he can't even begin to understand them. He stands up to go to his bathroom to wash up a bit, he realizes that an old hockey statue was far too close. Mikey could've seen it, foreseeing that this might be a regular occurrence if the turtle decides to take his advice, he hides it. The trophy itself not being the problem, it was the name on it: Cassandra.


	4. Numb

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mikey doesn't have a problem

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Small trigger warning of self deprecating thoughts)

Michelangelo does not have a problem, he never has. He can stop whenever he wants to he just decides not to. Michelangelo is in control, this is something that the youngest turtle enjoys having. It brings a genuine smile to his barely emotion feeling face at knowing that he could destroy his brothers's sense of reality with just a couple of words. That's not to say that he feels absolutely nothing, but his emotions are quite dulled. It's part of the reason that he has to overreact to avoid under-reacting and making is brothers think that there's something wrong with him. Even though he knows there is, something is wrong in his brain and the orange clad turtle knows it.

The only one that knows about his act is his father who almost fainted when Mikey responded to a question with "I don't feel it." The rat knew something was off with Mikey, and the turtle didn't see a reason to lie about it once he was alone with the wise sensei. They both decided that they would act for the sake of the other three turtles. The youngest does feel... something towards his brothers. The only way he can truly feel anything, dull monotone emotions. He's not sure what to really call it, not necessarily love that one probably should feel towards his family, more of a slight fondness that one feels over their hamster or fish, but still not as intense. 

Things changed when they went to the surface and started going on missions. It started with the frustration when they wouldn't believe him about the Kraang. They all thought that Raph and Donnie were the ones to be quick to anger, but if it wasn't for Mikey's determination to keep his mask on, he's the one they would be careful with. Splinter can tell, as he can sense the intense rage that comes from behind the youngest's mask every once in a while. However, Mikey's smile never falters no matter how irritated he gets. 

Just because Mikey can keep up an act very well, it doesn't mean that he can't still get affected by many of the things his brothers say. Many of his emotions are dulled, but the small fondness he feels for his brothers affects how he handles a lot of their insults and jabs. Yes, his emotions are dulled, but plenty of negative emotions are sometimes dialed up to 11. The turtle's bipolar emotions combined with the stress of saving people not necessarily because he wants to but because of that fondness of his brothers, it's a bit much at times. 

Sometimes voices ring in Michelangelo's head, sounding like his brothers and at times his father. As he's said, he isn't an idiot, it's just convenient to pretend to be one. He sees the fear in his father's eyes at times, his own brain then fills in what he thinks of him 'Freak' is the most common one. Sometimes it's just too much, sometimes it's too loud, sometimes he'd rather drown it out with anything he can get his hands on. Angel Dust is one of his favorites but he doesn't have it often, pills are quick to take if he really needs it, he can pop some behind his brothers's backs, literally. 

Case in point, his brothers are currently watching some bad cartoons that they can't help but find charm in them as Mikey quickly looks in his bag of goodies, ultimately deciding that he's taken enough after spending most of his usual alone time with Casey. The orange clad turtle says in his head to himself 'I don't have a problem.' He does admit that what the hockey player insisted got on his nerves and he once more is forced to keep up his smiling mask as his emotions stew inside of him. 

After he decides that he can't keep it up and needs a break, he makes sure to yawn, not too loudly, but enough for his brothers to notice. Leo looks over "Tired? You were out a while."

"Whaaaaat?? I never run out of energy bro! I'm Dr.awake-enstein!" Mikey dramatically says as he yawns again.

Donnie rolls his eyes "That doesn't even make sense..."

Raph groans "Just go and sleep before you pass out and we have to carry you to your bed."

Mikey groans dramatically "But I want to finish watching-"

"It's on VHS, you can watch it later" Leo says before offering a small smile "Go to bed little brother."

Mikey pouts and gets up, stretching and yawning as he walks to his room. The second that he's out of sight, he drops the act, letting annoyance show on his face as he glances to where his bags of goodies are. He doesn't have a problem, he can stop whenever he wants to. He passes by Splinter as he leaves the bathroom, the rat tenses as he sees Mikey without his figurative mask on, that fear apparent in his face as Mikey huffs and walks faster. Once in his room, he locks the door and digs under his bed for his box that contains all the different candies he's managed to get his hands on. He puts the two bags he had inside as he stares at the contents. Different white powders, an array of bright pills, some weed, and several opioid bottles. Taking two of those doesn't mean he has a problem, he says to himself as he pops in two and places the box back in its hiding spot. Just because he's taken more tonight than he usually does in a week, doesn't mean he has a problem. He has control, he's not a slave to the various candies that are nothing more than just stress relievers and help block out the voices that have gotten louder over time on the surface. The truth is that many of those goodies help make him numb, a feeling he's lost ever since they went topside. Most of what he feels isn't nothing anymore, it's sadness, rage, despair at times. He didn't grow up this way, he felt nothing but slight irritability and fondness over his brothers at times. But that was it.

The youngest turtle stares at his T-phone, frowning as he remembers Casey's face of concern and worry, saying Mikey could over do it. He knows his limits, he doesn't have a problem. Before the turtle could truly register it, he had sent a text to Casey 'I don't have a problem, I don't need your help.' As he realizes that it's far too late and the teen is definitely asleep, he deletes it after looking at the message for a while. It was just a nice stress relief that helped a bit, he didn't expect to get a reply.

'If you ever realize you do, and you decide you do need help. I'm just a phone call or a text away, I've seen how drugs fuck people up, be careful.'

That makes the turtle more mad, why? Because Mikey knows that Casey is just saying that to get on his good side, expecting Mikey to suddenly say he does have a problem and that he needs help. He huffs and decides he needs more candy for this, he wants to be numb, not mad. 

Eventually, Mikey just passes out from drug induced tiredness and dizziness, not responding to Casey's text and even muttering out loud to himself "I don't have a problem..." before finally giving in to drug induced sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Going to try updating everyday if possible, I am open to feedback and would love to hear what you guys think.


	5. You try to perceive that you're so squeaky clean but that’s not how it works

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Slight trigger warning for mentioned Abuse from a parent, next chapter is going to be heavy with it so just warning)

Casey wants to sit down and talk to Mikey again. This is a thought that has been jumping around the dark haired human's head ever since that night. There is something that has changed, Mikey openly taking pills in front of Casey but still behind his brothers's backs. Along with Mikey letting Casey see how quickly he can drop the act and how he can just as quickly put it back on the second his brother's turn around. Casey was in on it now, allowed to see behind the curtain. More accurately he was allowed to peak behind the curtain as Mikey avoided being alone with Casey for a while. 

However, when Mikey said he was going to go out patrolling by himself again, Casey said he was going to head home. But judging by the slight twitch on the youngest turtle's face as Casey said so, meant that said turtle could guess Casey's convenient timing when it came to leave. 

Mikey kept up the act for quite the while, but eventually sighed and glared a bit "You really can't let it go?"

Casey gulps and chuckles nervously "I guess not..."

There's some awkward silence between them as Casey follows Mikey who is clearly trying to lose him. "I know what you're doing!" Casey decides to call out after a while. 

The orange clad turtle responds by stopping and turning to glare at Casey "You're quite the annoyance, you know that?" 

Casey pants as he finally catches up and pants "I g-get that all the time..." 

Mikey observes Casey with no emotion on his face before he decides to sit down on the edge of the rooftop, looking out at the restless city below.

Casey looks at him for a bit before sitting next to him "so..."

"Do we have to talk? Because I would prefer we don't."

Casey stares at Mikey "You're not high-"

"I'm not always high, just when I feel like it" 

Casey arches a brow as he tilts his head.

The younger turtle turns to look at him "Take a picture, it'll last longer." he says in what Casey thinks is the most monotone voice he's heard come from the usually immature turtle. 

"Are you okay?" Casey decides to ask after some more silence which causes Mikey to tsk and already look annoyed.

"I hope you know how much of a pointless question that is. if I say yes, then you won't believe me, if I say no then you'll keep pushing and insist that I don't know my limit again!" The orange clad turtle slowly gets louder as he speaks, almost yelling, which causes Casey to back up a bit.

"Okay! I'm sorry for asking! I'm just worried..."

Mikey scoffs "Right, of course you are, because you think I'm not in control" he says this as he takes a pill bottle out of his belt instinctively.

Casey looks at the pill bottle, then back up at Mikey "What do you mean you're not in control?"

"I AM IN CONTROL!" Mikey growls as he stuffs the pill bottle back in his belt.

Casey raises up his arms as he says "okay! okay! You are in control! I believe you!" he makes himself look small which is something he hasn't done in a while but he really wants to avoid ruining any chance he has about getting to know this clearly in pain version of the usually happy turtle.

Mikey huffs and looks Casey up and down "Why haven't you told them?"

"What?"

"Why haven't you told my brothers? You didn't even take any of the chances I gave you..."

Casey's eyes widen as he realizes that that wasn't the turtle being more comfortable around him, he was testing him "You told me not to... so why would I?"

The turtle freezes and tenses up "Because you just found out about something you perceive as dangerous for me..."

"I do still think it's dangerous but... you say you don't have a problem so..." Casey hugs one of his knees to his chest as the other dangles over the rooftop.

Mikey frowns and huffs, looking back out at the city. Some more awkward and tense silence passes by before Mikey decides to speak again, "Everyone has dark secrets, that woman is desperately trying to care for her kid but it's obvious he was unintended. She's stressed out of her mind and isn't sure she fully loves him like a mother should." Mikey says this as he points at a young brunette with her son. "That man is supposed to be in recovery from alcohol addiction but he visits the bar every night and throws his chips in the trash." The turtle points at another man as he says this.

"What's your point?" Casey asks a bit impatiently.

"Everyone has secrets, no one is as innocent as they seem, everyone has a mask of their own even if it's not as complex as mine... with that said, living behind a mask makes me prone to seeing behind   
others' masks" he looks at Casey up and down.

The teen doesn't like where this is going as he gulps.

"So Jones... How long has your dad been that way?" the orange clad turtle says in a monotone voice that the human is starting to get used to.

"I-I..." he looks the turtle in the eye. Casey realizes that there's a chance Mikey might take it as an insult if he lies so he does something that is definitely strange to him. Something that whenever he even thought of it, he was threatened along with his sister. He's been trained to lie, but for Mikey, he decides to tell the truth.


	6. My name is Casey

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: TRANSPHOBIA, TOXIC PARENT, CAR ACCIDENT

Cassandra Jones never felt right in her body, it took quite a while to figure out why. Access to the internet helped, but she didn't think she had to until it really started making itself apparent. Cassandra's parents were pretty different and it's a bit of a wonder as to why they got together. Bethany Jones was a bright, positive and very social woman, being the type to say hi and good morning to everyone she passed on the street. She was almost always smiling and was very loving to her kids. And then there was Arthur Jones, a stern, strict man who could kill with a glare. He was the man you avoided in the street purely from his dark atmosphere. 

The pair were opposite in parenting as well. Bethany was nurturing and kind, quick to spoil but knew when enough was enough and disciplined if she needed to. However, the woman didn't have to discipline often as the stern man was a bit more aggressive and it almost always ended with either child he was yelling at, crying. 

It started becoming a far too regular of a thing for both kids to go to Bethany, crying and saying that they didn't like their dad. So arguing started, and the woman started planning on leaving the man and taking her kids, but she didn't think it had come to that yet. Bethany would tell Cassandra and Angel that she'll help change their father's mind, that things will be okay, she had hope.

And then Cassandra had to ask "Can I play hockey?" Bethany answered with supportive smiles while Arthur responded with disapproving frowns. The relationship between Arthur and the rest of the Jones family got progressively worse as Cassandra started asking for short hair and being openly masculine. Bethany never wanted to assume but just in case, she did her research and got a black binder that she intended to paint a skull on as Cassandra was leaning more towards liking such imagery.

Arthur did not approve but did make an effort to contain his anger. He stopped his aggressive discipline and the yelling. In fact, he stopped really interacting with them at all, barely speaking above grunts just to let the other person know they were heard. The younger sister Angel also leaned towards being more masculine as well but definitely not as much as her older 'sister.' 

And then with some searching on the internet, the day came "I think I'm a boy." 

As always, Bethany was accepting and loving "Okay son, I love you so much." The mother lovingly hugged her son and told him how proud she was. The father said nothing and watched from afar like a ghost.

"Cassandra and Cassie aren't exactly guy names so... How does Casey sound?" it was his mother's idea and it just seemed perfect.

Things seemed to be going well, and then that same night the worst argument Casey had ever heard broke out. This time the yelling was coming from both parents. Arthur was finally fully speaking his mind "YOU'VE ENTERTAINED THIS STUPID IDEA FOR LONG ENOUGH! I'M NOT LETTING YOU BRAINWASH OUR DAUGHTER!"

"WHAT OUR SON IS FEELING IS VALID AND VERY REAL! I'VE PUT UP WITH YOUR TOXIC BEHAVIOR FOR LONG ENOUGH!"

"YOU'RE CRAZY SHE'S A KID IT'S A DELUSION IT'S NOT NATURAL!"

"HATE ISN'T NATURAL!"

All night, the fight went on all night. Casey couldn't sleep, how could he? What he did do is hold his little sister and promise her everything will be fine, even though he himself had no idea of what would happen.

Then the door opened, their mother quickly locked it behind her, two bags in hand. She placed them on the floor and gave her kids a reassuring smile "Pack your bags, we're leaving." She didn't have to tell Casey twice, immediately going to pack up only the clothes he knows help his dysphoria as they all hear banging and yelling from Arthur from behind the door.

"YOU CAN'T DO THIS BETHANY! KIDS NEED A FATHER AND A MOTHER! YOU CAN'T TAKE THEM FROM ME!"

Beth took a deep breath and kept on her smile "It's okay... We'll be okay... Casey, when we leave, I'll raise up enough money to change your name, and when you're old enough, we can work on getting T... I've done my research hun, you'll be able to be yourself with me, I promise."

It was a struggle, after they had packed everything Beth opened the door only to be greeted by a slap. But she didn't falter, she didn't lose her resolve or determination as she punched back harder, knocking him to the ground as she stormed past, holding Casey's hand who was holding Angel's. 

Before they knew it, they were in Bethany's car and driving away "Hey Casey, I wanted to save it for your birthday but... maybe you should open it now, considering how crazy today has been" she chuckles and smiles at him warmly as she hands him a box wrapped in black wrapping paper. "There's a note inside, I hope you approve."

"I love you so much Casey, my handsome son." That's the last thing the siblings heard before everything went black. Those were Bethany Jones's last words as a drunk driver had been speeding, and Bethany's car had crashed against a building. Angel was knocked out but Casey was able to cling to consciousness for long enough to see his mother's head covered in red, and she wasn't moving.

"M-Mom...?" he reached for her arm, shaking her a bit as he started crying "Mom... wake up..." Then everything was black and he woke up in his bed, back at his dad's apartment. Everything was sore, bandages on his arm and leg. Casey forces himself to sit up as his memories come back to him, he let's out a choked sob as tears stream down his face. The door opens, he hopes it's his mother but he knows it's not, with the way her head looked, even 13 year old Casey could understand that she wasn't surviving that. 

This was proven true as his dad walked in, beer bottle in hand as he scowls at him. "Are you happy?" Arthur steps closer as Casey tries to back up, back hitting the wall as his body screams for him to stop moving "You killed your mother, I hope you know that." Arthur points at Casey's face, then throws the bottle against the wall, shattering on impact. Casey stares at him, eyes wide as tears still stream down.

"Stop crying little bitch, this is your fault! YOUR STUPID DELUSION OF BEING A BOY KILLED YOUR MOTHER CASSANDRA!"

That lit a fire in Casey as he finally stands up, leg screaming as Casey yells "MY NAME IS CASEY AND I DIDN'T KILL HER YOU DID!"


	7. My heart is a bomb, it just ticks along

It seemed like time slowed after Casey finished telling his truth, it was far too quiet despite the cars passing by below.

"So that's why you're at the lair so often..." Mikey says as he looks at the cars below.

Casey takes a deep breath and nods "I've never told anyone that..."

"He still blames you?"

"Every single day, doesn't let me go one day without mentioning it at least twice..."

"What about your sister?" Casey hears the sound of a pill bottle closing and glances over to see Mikey having taken some.

"What about her?" Casey arches a brow as he looks at the youngest turtle.

"How is your dad to her?"

Casey scoffs "She became his favorite, especially after I refused to quit hockey, kept all my guy clothes and just kept finding ways to make me look and sound more like... me"

Mikey nods "My condolences... your mom sounds nice."

Casey nods chuckles "She was... came to all of my hockey games, supported me every step of the way... The present was my binder... I still have it, hell I'm wearing it now. It's just black but the note did say she was going to paint it with me..."

"A skull... like your mask?"

Casey nods and sighs "You know, getting my ass kicked by Raph actually changed my life... I actually have a place to go now, where no one suspects a thing."

"You pass very well, if it wasn't for you telling me I would have never guessed... not even with all my deductive practice" Mikey says in his monotone emotionless voice that Casey is very much getting used to, almost calming if it weren't for the fact that Mikey is telling his brothers a huge lie. 

However, it is not lost on Casey that Mikey is very good at seeing behind people's masks, and the fact that even he couldn't tell that he was born in the wrong body does great things to his self image and gender dysphoria "Thank you... that actually means a lot."

Mikey nods "You're welcome."

The two teens sit there in comfortable silence for a while, before Casey sees Mikey shiver in his peripheral vision. It has been cold during the night and as Mikey had stated before, cold blood and cold weather don't mix. "Do you want to go back to my room?"

Mikey frowns "Won't your dad be home?"

"Actually, he's at a bar, like every other night... my sister should be asleep by now so just stay quiet and we'll be fine." Casey offers a smile.

Mikey hums "If I actually was the way I acted then that would be a problem."

That gets a laugh out of the dark haired teen "Yeah... you still haven't told me why-"

"It's only the second date Jones, I don't feel comfortable telling you my life story just yet" The orange clad turtle says before taking some more pills.

"So your humor is better than how you pretend it is, good to know" Casey chuckles and stands up, offering Mikey a hand which he doesn't take as he stands up himself.

"Not everything is a lie" Mikey simply states as a twitch of his lips reveal a shadow of an amused smile.

Casey smiles at this and leads him to his room again. The hockey player opens the window and gestures for Mikey to go in first. The turtle does so and comments "Such a gentleman" as he goes to sit on Casey's bed.

The human chuckles at this and goes in, closing the window behind him "I can get more blankets if you want."

The orange clad turtle nods "I would like that."

Casey goes to get a fluffy black blanket and hands it to Mikey who drapes it around himself "Thank you... why are you being so nice?" He suddenly says, suspicious.

"What do you mean?"

"Are you showing me pity because you think I'm an addict?" The turtle says as he suddenly gets defensive.

Casey panics at seeing this and immediately tries to reassure him "No, this has nothing to do with your drug thing... you are showing me and letting me see a side of yourself that not even your brothers know... so... I just don't want to fuck it up" he chuckles nervously and rubs the back of his neck. The dark haired teen gulps as he stands there, taking Mikey's emotionless stare. The thought pops up in his head of 'What if he doesn't have emotions and that's why he uses?' but he dismisses it, it could be a guard that the young turtle is throwing up.

Mikey seems to analyze his every move before deciding "I believe you... for now. Give me a reason to not trust you and we're done."

Casey's eyes widen as he arches a brow "so you trust me?"

"I gave you plenty of chances for you to expose me to my brothers and not only did you stay silent, you even helped to cover me once..." It's true, Mikey had decided to take a pill right as Raph was turning around and Casey conveniently stood in front of him to cover him.

Casey nods "right... why did you risk it?"

"Oh, I didn't. Those weren't my actual pills, they were conveniently shaped candies, ones that I had taken in front of my brothers before. So in the case of you exposing me, they wouldn't have believed you as they know it's just candy" Mikey says matter-of-factly.

Casey nods "so it really was all a test..."

"Mhm" The turtle nods, eyes starting to droop a bit, the pills starting to take effect as he's visibly drowsy. 

"When you said that we're done if you don't trust me... that means you're letting me-"

"Don't get ahead of yourself Jones, I'm not here because I have a problem and need you to babysit me... I'm here because it does get exhausting talking with an act up... I'll admit it's nice to talk with someone and not have to hide what I'm really like."

Casey doesn't bother hiding the small smile that makes its way onto his face "So you just like hanging out with me?"

The turtle rolls his eyes "If you want to think of it that way, go ahead."

Casey chuckles "Yeah, I want to see it that way." The teen doesn't miss the slight twitch of the turtle's lips, the shadow of a smile that almost gets on his face. 

The teen quickly got used to those real smiles of the young turtle versus his fake extremely wide smiles of what he calls his mask. Over the next couple of weeks, there was a comfortable routine. Most days, the days would go as normal, deal with his father deadnaming him and blaming him for his mother's death, then spend as much time as possible in the lair with the mutants. Sometimes kicking the ass of some purple dragons with Raph, however whenever Mikey said he was going out to patrol, Casey would soon after say he was heading home. Those nights of hanging out did still concern Casey as he swore he was seeing Mikey take more and more pills as time went on. But every time that Casey brought it up, Mikey got defensive and insisted he had control.   
There was once when Mikey got extremely mad at Casey's prodding and left to be alone. Casey was worried that this meant that he messed it up. 

But then the next night "I'm bored!" the turtle dramatically exclaimed in front of his brothers.

"There's plenty of games for you to play, we have plenty of movies and tv shows and you have your skateboard. How are you bored?" Leo arches a brow, looking annoyed as it turns out Mikey had been even more hyper than usual that day.

"I'm still bored!... Casey can we go to your place?" Mikey says as he looks over at him, fake wide smile, nothing like his real smiles that Casey had gotten used to seeing. 

Raph looks over "Oh so you're stealing my best friend now?" He says a bit jokingly.

Mikey sticks his tongue out at him "I just want to not be BOOOOOOOORED!" he then proceeds to poke and push at Raph until the red clad turtle growls and pushes him away.

"Just go! Be annoying somewhere else!"

Mikey giggles and looks at Casey "so?"

Casey shakes his head as he was spacing out a bit and nods "Uh, yeah. Place is actually empty for once so sure" Casey smiles and stands up, stretching a bit.

After they're far away enough that Mikey deems it safe for him to drop his mask, he sighs "I'm sorry for storming off yesterday, I'm prone to quick irritability."

Casey shows his confusion as sometimes he almost gets whiplash between the crazy differences of fake Mikey and real Mikey "What?"

"I get mad easy, worse than Raph or Donnie."

"Oh, it's okay... just thought that you were done with me"

"You're the only one who knows what I'm really like, I don't really want to have a reason to not trust you or to be done with you." Mikey says matter-of-factly.

This catches the teen off guard and for some reason causes his cheeks to flush a bit "Well, thanks... I like hanging out with real you too."

That slight real Mikey smile shadows his lips as they head to Casey's apartment. Once inside, Mikey asks "So your sister isn't here either?"

The dark haired teen shakes his head "Sleep over, and dad is out drunk again."

The turtle nods and sits on the bed, his leg bouncing as he does seem a bit more hyper than how he usually is.

"Um... Are you okay?" Casey asks as he sits next to him.

"Hm? Oh, yes I had some... powder, so I'm a bit more hyper" he takes a deep breath and attempts to calm himself down, growling a bit in frustration when it doesn't seem to work.

Casey frowns and takes Mikey's hands "Hey, it's okay. I know why you're like this, it doesn't bother me. You're not annoying me."

Mikey's eyes widen as he looks at Casey, the most emotion other than anger that Mikey has shown, surprise. The orange clad turtle looks down before saying "Anitsocial personality disorder..."

Casey tilts his head "Huh?"  
"It's why I'm the way I am... Psychopathy..." Mikey looks him in the eye "I'm a psychopath Casey"


	8. Don't let the devil take you out for dinner

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Title from YUNGBLUD's Die for the Hype)  
> TRIGGER WARNING: Implied Self harm

The world stopped turning, it seems. Did he hear him right? Did Mikey just say he was a psychopath? Like serial killers in movies? There are so many things he wants to say, wants to ask. A small part of him wants to run, wants to scream as he thinks that Mikey is dangerous. However, he then realizes that yes, Mikey is dangerous he always has been. He's a strong mutant turtle that's been trained to fight all of his life, of course he's dangerous. However, all this time the turtle has not made any move to hurt Casey. 

The silence that is dragged on causes Mikey to stand up and pace around "I shouldn't have said that... fuck..." he holds his head and growls.

Casey makes up his mind 'this doesn't change anything' and stands up to hug the turtle who immidiately tenses up. Both caught off guard and not sure whether to pretend he's okay with it or really show how he's not used to a genuine hug. "Hey... it's okay... I'm not leaving, you didn't lose me."

Those words fill the turtle with an emotion he's definitely barely felt before, relief. He then slowly hugs back as his mouth betrays him and let's the words "Thank you..." escape. 

Casey chuckles and with the turtle pressed against his chest he can feel the low vibration from years of the teen training his voice to be lower. As well as feeling his binded chest as his traitorous body craves the genuine contact and his arms squeeze a bit tighter.

They stay like that for a while before Mikey backs away and looks up at the human teen, he opens his mouth, about to speak but then seems to realize something and instead says "Crash..." as he almost falls before Casey catches him.

"Mikey?! What's going on?" The dark haired teen panics, thinking overdose.

However the turtle weakly manages to say "c-cocaine gives you a s-strong high... and w-when it's over, it's over..." he says as he tries keeping his eyes open which keep threatening to close.

Casey lets out a sigh of relief before laying Mikey down on his bed "A little warning would've been nice"

"I did w-warn you..."

"Saying crash isn't a warning... gave me a heart attack..."

"My apologies..." The turtle starts to pass out and before Casey knows it, he has a turtle sleeping on his bed.

The teen sighs and sits on the floor next to him, watching him for a while to make sure he's just sleeping and not dead. After a bit of absolutely not watching Mikey sleep for a while, he realizes his brothers might get worried if Mikey doesn't come back all night. Casey doesn't really want to lie to his best friend and his brothers but he can't let them look for Mikey and see him like this. He's already part of this, might as well fully dive in as he takes his phone and texts his best friend 'Might not want to expect Mikey back for a while, he fell asleep from using so much energy, you know how he is. He'll be fine here, my house is likely going to be empty until tomorrow afternoon.'

Casey sighs in relief as Raph replies with a thumbs up. The dark haired teen gets confused as he suddenly has difficulty breathing before realizing he is wearing a binder and has definitely worn it for over 8 hours, but 10 is okay right? Casey stands up and makes his way to the bathroom, making sure to get the baggiest clothes possible to replace his binder. Once he comes back, he looks at Mikey who hasn't moved much except for small twitches and shifting in his sleep. The teen decides to take a chair from his desk and quietly positions it next to the bed, sitting in it as he (watches Mikey sleep) makes sure the turtle is still alive and not at risk of passing in his sleep (or at least that's what he tells himself.) 

After what might be an hour, the turtle moves to lay on his side in his sleep. Casey has almost fallen asleep sitting but looks up to see Mikey is facing him, his orange mask askew, thus Casey decides to take it off for him to help him be more comfortable, in fact he takes off all of the turtle's pads and bandages. And then he takes off the ones on the turtle's wrists and Casey has to cover his mouth to not wake up the sleeping mutant, eyes wide as he sees scars that could not have been caused from fighting other bad guys. He takes a second to calm down and continues taking the rest off for him to be comfortable, then gently lays the blanket over him. 

The dark haired teen sits back down on his chair as a breath escapes his mouth. Mikey said he's a psychopath, he probably found this out from looking through the internet, knowing this probably made him react in a similar way to Casey... No, the turtle was probably more calm but it must have affected to some extent. Still affecting him as he was about to leave before the drugs made him pass out.

"The drugs..." Casey says out loud as he realizes that Mikey is asleep, his belt is in a pile next to the bed, the belt that houses his drugs. He could get rid of them, he could help Mikey's addiction... but it would be for nothing, Mikey definitely has more so throwing those away would be useless. The only thing it would do is make Mikey mad at him and lose his trust in Casey. 

The teen sighs and stands up to go sleep on the couch since Mikey is clearly fine and he has to get rid of his temptations to do stupid shit that would be for nothing. However, before he can really walk away, he feels a hand wrap around his wrist. Casey looks down to see Mikey, still asleep but holding on tightly, he mutters drowsily "don't leave me alone..." 

The sight causes Casey's heart to break, how could he leave after that? Sleeping on the chair it is then. A decision the teen regrets in the morning.

Casey wakes up and is actually not in the chair, however he did sleep there for a while as evident in his aching back. He's on his bed, wrapped in the same blanket that Mikey was in, he sits up and sees Mikey's gear is gone, then looks at the window to see a note on it.

'you looked uncomfortable, thank you for everything, let's hangout again soon -Mikey'

This time Casey notices and realizes why he blushes at reading the note, a small smile had made its way onto his face as well, thinking about how the turtle looked so calm in his sleep. The barely noticeable true genuine smiles that he had seen from the turtle all flashing in his mind, the small chuckles and the slight genuine excitement in his eyes when he sees something he actually likes, he blushes more before his eyes widen and he groans "Fuck..."


	9. Come and take a ride in my psychotic mind

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How fast and hard can someone fall in love?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Title from Psychotic kids by... you guessed it, YUNGBLUD)  
> (Also surprise! you get two chapters today :3)

Time went by and Casey was noticing a lot more as he hung out with the nearly emotionless turtle. He would actually catch when he would just exaggerate a real smile around his brothers as well as managing to peak behind Mikey's mask to get an idea of what he was actually feeling and thinking. It was odd, almost being able to read Mikey's mind at times as they started being able to communicate through glances. He couldn't even do that with Raph, his best friend.

He's close with both turtles even though a part of him does favor the orange clad one. Casey hates that he can't deny his developing feelings for the turtle. And he hates even more that the chances of the psychopath not returning his feelings is very high. Almost as high as said turtle can get at times. 

"How many pills tonight?" Casey asked as he was upside down on his bed, Mikey sitting on the ground under the window, facing the teen.

"Um... I... don't know..." he answered slowly, going to take another, and this time, Casey is so worried that he can't shut his mouth.

"Please don't take anymore" he says before he can stop himself, immediately going pale and regretting it, expecting Mikey to get mad and storm off again.

"...." The turtle didn't yell, didn't look mad, his eyes were glazed as he looks at Casey, then puts the pill back in the bottle and placing it close enough that Casey could grab it.

Casey sits up, looking surprised, but decided not to question it as he takes the pill bottle, Mikey doesn't argue "Thank you..." he says cautiously.

Mikey takes a deep breath "I know... my limits... I still don't have a...problem... just... making you feel better..." Even high the turtle is as stubborn as ever, still insisting he isn't an addict. 

Casey sees it though, sees the doubt on the turtle's face, behind his drug induced haze. Maybe the turtle will admit it soon, he's let Casey in and in a way has told Casey that he trusts the teen to stop him if he does go overboard. The thought brings a smile to Casey's face and a blush which he tries to cover up by turning to put the bottle on his desk. The dark haired teen knows Mikey, he so much as glances at that blush and he'll know what's going on, even in a drugged out haze. 

"I'm cold..." Mikey says as he shivers a bit. Casey gets a blanket and as he goes to Mikey, he looks at him, really looks at him. Eyes glazed, eye lids drooping, he's completely out of it and Casey hates it. He prefers Mikey's usual monotone voice and almost emotionless face. That's genuine, this is just drugs, the face that drugs have, not Mikey's face. 

"What is it?" Mikey asks, as Casey has found a way to read Mikey's mind, Mikey has found a way to read Casey's.

Casey sighs, lying is an insult to Mikey so he doesn't even entertain the idea "The usual... I don't like when you look like this..." 

Mikey nods "It's odd... I would've... thought that... you'd think drugs were... metal" he brings up his hands to weakly do air quotes.

Casey huffs "My aunt... she's in rehab, at least last I heard... I tried spending as much time as possible at her place after... you know... but then I saw her spiral... she was so different..."

"That's why you... you don't like my face... when I use..." Mikey says slowly "It reminds... you of her..."

Casey takes a deep breath and nods, sitting next to Mikey on the floor. They sit in a comfortable silence before Casey asks "Have you ever thought about telling your brothers? About everything?"

There's some silence as Mikey thinks "Sometimes... I know they wouldn't... believe me at first and... if I show them proof... they wouldn't know how to handle it... It would shatter... their sense of... reality..."

"Jeez, that bad?"

The turtle nods "I've been lying their entire lives... it wouldn't be...pretty..." he suddenly leans to rest his head on Casey's shoulder, muttering "You're warm..." and tries to scoot closer.

Casey tenses up and then immediately tries to calm himself down, he can't clue in Mikey on his stupid crush, he can't, it'll go away eventually anyway... right? That is easier said than done when the person he has a stupid crush on is resting against his side peacefully and holding onto his arm a bit. "Well... I am warm blooded, unlike you, you reptile" the teen tries to playfully jab which doesn't just get that slight smile, it actually gets a small laugh out of Mikey, it's quiet and slightly monotone and it's so very Mikey that Casey wants to hear it a thousand times over... Wait, no he doesn't. That is the stupid crush talking. 

"Casey..." the turtle breaks him out of his thoughts as he looks over at him "Thank you... for everything... for... for not telling my brothers... hanging out with real me... thank you..."

"It's nothing Mike... You're not alone anymore" Casey can't stop that blush as he smiles. However, it disappears as he feels his shoulder getting wet "Dude, are you drooling?" he gets ready to tease him, but as he turns and looks at him, his smile disappears and his eyes widen.

"Why would I be...?" Mikey sees Casey's shocked and confused look and then reaches up to touch his cheeks, tears. He's crying, he's managed to pretend to cry plenty of times, he knows how to cry on command. He didn't command this.

"Why are you-?"

"Because I'm... happy..." Mikey's own eyes widen as he realizes. "I'm happy... I've never... You made me happy..." The turtle looks up at Casey and a full genuine smile makes its way onto his face. It's not as wide as his fake smiles, Casey recognizes, this is a genuine Mikey smile. He doesn't really have time to say anything before the turtle is wrapping his arms around his waist and hugging into his chest, tears still falling as he laughs again "This feels... good... I want... I want to feel it more often..." he clings to Casey tightly, hands gripping Casey's hoodie.  
Casey hasn't fully processed what's happening, and when he does, he smiles and holds Mikey close. "Then I'll make you happy more often..."

How fast and hard can a person fall for someone? Casey Jones has managed it in less than three weeks.


	10. Addict

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Not what you think.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: SUICIDAL THOUGHTS, STRUGGLE WITH ADDICTION

And things got complicated, because April thinks that Casey likes her. He did at first, but the intensity of what he feels for Mikey is too much to ignore. And he realizes that Donnie likes her too, and he's pretty sure she likes him to a degree even though she doesn't really show it. So Casey keeps flirting but not seriously, if April ever said anything, he was prepared to explain he was just goofing around.

"Why are you still flirting with April?" Mikey asks as they're jumping from rooftop to rooftop.

"Just cuz" Casey shrugs "I'm just goofing around."

"Does she know that? You know my brother has a thing for her."

"I... try to make it kinda obvious.."

"So no?" Mikey stops and turns to look at the teen, crossing his arms "Really Casey? That's kind of a dick move..."

Casey gulps and looks down "You're right... it's stupid"

Mikey takes a deep breath "How about you make sure to tell her tomorrow that you don't actually like her?"

Casey nods "That's probably the smart thing to do... After patrolling with Raph, I'll do it." he decides, but then realizes something "Are you jealous?" it slips out of his mouth before he can stop it.

The psychopath freezes, tensing up before looking Casey in the eye and sighing "A little bit..." he admits.

That catches Casey off guard, does he feel the same way? "R-Really?"

"Yes... I'm fond of you and the thought of you getting a girlfriend... especially knowing you don't like her back, I don't like that idea." Mikey quickly takes a pill and pops it into his mouth, then looking at Casey, almost asking for permission as he takes another one.

Casey wants to say no but he doesn't know how bad a cold turkey for a turtle would be so he allows it.

Little did he know that he would find out, as the Kraang invaded Earth the next day and they had to run. Leo was injured, bad, and Splinter was gone. Casey didn't 100% process what had happened until they were in the farm. He sat on the couch after the insane day they had and took a deep breath, things weren't that great at the moment. The teen then gets a tap on his arm, from Mikey as he passes by and manages to communicate with his eyes 'lets go somewhere private' something was off.

They went deep into the woods, Mikey leading before stopping, not turning around. 

"Mikey?" Casey is extremely worried, something is off.

There's some tense silence before Mikey slowly says, barely above a whisper "...I don't have control..."

Casey isn't sure he heard him right "What?"

"I LOST CONTROL!" he almost yells but manages to quiet himself down, turning around. He let's everything down, every part of the mask falling. 

He shakes badly and falls to his knees, Casey going to catch him as he falls to his knees with him, he's breathing quickly "Hey! Hey, it's okay, it's okay. I have you..." he holds him and sways.

Mikey growls at himself "Fuck!... I..." he looks up at Casey, there aren't any tears, just an angry expression but Casey knows it's not towards him.

"Hey, admitting it is half the battle, it's okay..." Casey says as soothingly as he could as Mikey hugs him tightly.

"I didn't have time to bring any... I don't know what to do... I don't know what's going to happen when what I took earlier wears off..."

Casey holds him "Hey, I'm here... it'll be okay... I'll be here..."

"My mask... what if it affects it? My brothers can't know, not now! I can't lose control of that too! I can't, Casey I can't. I can't handle this" he shakes his head rapidly.

Casey cups his cheeks and holds his face "Hey! Focus on me, can you hear me?"

The turtle nods sharply, still breathing harshly.

"We're going to get through this... I'm going to help you okay? If you feel like you can't hold it then you tell me and I'll drag you out if I have to okay?" the dark haired teen said softly.

Mikey takes some deep breaths and then nods "o-okay... okay..."

The two sat there in the woods for quite a while before Mikey's T-phone started ringing and they had to go back.

Mikey's mask was tested at that farm, the first couple of days were fine, but then Casey noticed Mikey shaking as he still had his mask on and the hockey player knew he had to get him out of there. 

The second they were away from prying eyes Mikey lets out a breath and pants as if he were running a marathon "Do you think Donnie might have anything?"

"What?" Casey didn't have time to process as the turtle grabbed his shoulders and shook him.

"The first aid kit! Donnie has it and he has his lab in the barn, do you think he might have at least something?!"

"Woah, hey calm down. What if he notices that things are missing? It's too risky..."

"I want to risk it! I can't take it!"

"Mike! Calm down, you can do this-"

"I can't! My thoughts are too loud..." the orange clad turtle holds his own head "I can't do this Casey, I have to be numb, I have to be!"

"What are you talking about?"

"If I'm not numb, I'm depressed. If I'm not numb then I want to-" he cuts himself off but Casey's eyes widen as he remembers the scars on the turtle's wrists and puts two and two together.

"Mike..."

"Don't!" Mikey growls and pushes Casey back "Do not pity me! My existence is hell, the only emotions I feel are negative and I feel them far too intensely-!"

"That's not true" Casey says as he frowns and takes Mikey's hands "Unless you're telling me that you crying while drugged out of your mind was an act"

That shuts the turtle up as he looks at the ground and then hugs Casey tightly "you're right... I want to feel that again..." he shakes against him "But I don't know how..." 

Casey sighs "I'll help..." he can almost hear the gears turning in Mikey's brain as the turtle seems to try to think of ways.

"Hey... Come to my room tonight?... to help..."

Casey nods "Of course... I'll do anything..."

Mikey's smile should've clued Casey in to what he was planning. The teen thought it was going to be more of holding the turtle and comforting him. However, once everyone was asleep and the human teen went to the youngest's room, he wasn't expecting to be pulled into an intense kiss and being quickly pulled to the bed.

Did Casey Jones complain? No. Should he have said no and stopped what happened that night? Probably.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Not as proud of this one, please tell me what you guys think, critique and feedback is very appreciated -Zack)


	11. That big smudge is what I love

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Just to be safe)  
> Trigger warning for implied sex and withdrawal, implied thoughts of suicide but nothing too bad

"...Did that just happen?" Casey asks as he lays on Mikey's bed, said turtle on top of him and snuggling close.

"Considering we're both naked, slightly sweaty and tired, yes Casey. That just happened" The turtle responds, a small smile on his face as his finger traces small circles on Casey's bare stomach.

"That... that was... shit, have you done that before?"

The now aware addict looks up at Casey, deadpan "How exactly do you think I would have been able to do that before? With who?"

"yeah... good point..." Casey chuckles nervously which causes the turtle to nuzzle more into his chest. It makes the trans teen a bit uncomfortable but he doesn't want to ruin the moment.

Mikey sighs, that shadow of a smile on his face "I'm sorry about this... It did feel... amazing..." he nuzzles up into his neck.

Casey can't help the smile on his face "so... Was this a one time thing...?"

"Well... I prefer doing this than wanting to die..." The turtle lifts himself up to look at Casey in the eye "I'd like to do this again... If you'd let me... it's not a perfect solution but... it helps..."

How quickly Casey nods is ridiculous "y-yeah! I'm okay with it... I'm very okay with it..."

Mikey chuckles, something Casey wants to hear many times over. A lot of sounds Mikey had made Casey wanted to hear again.

"I want you to know I'm not forcing you to be with me... You can still go out with whoever you want, friends with benefits exists after all." It's a fact, that's how Mikey says it, and it shatters Casey's heart. Of course he doesn't feel the same, this was stress relief just like the drugs were. But, if this is what Casey can get, he'll take it.

The human teen nods "yeah... I'm okay with this..."

"Casey" Mikey says as he sits up, talking seriously as Casey sits up as well. He's a bit confused before he realizes, he didn't try hiding it this time, not only did he hear his own heart break, Mikey heard it too.

"You can't be with me... I don't feel what you feel... I don't even love my brothers like brothers should... Being with me is a recipe for disaster... so please... don't do it..." 

Casey nods and then they sit in silence for a while, Mikey then standing up to start picking up some of Casey's clothes on the floor "Maybe we shouldn't do this..."

"No!" Casey says quickly, he already knew the psychopath wouldn't return his feelings, he's okay with that, even if not now, he will be. Casey wants to cling to he can have "Please... let me help you... I could tell you wouldn't feel the same... it's okay... just... let me have this... and it'll help you too..."

Mikey looks at Casey for a while, studying his face before sighing and saying "Okay... let's make this work then" he gives the human another genuine smile and hands him his clothes.

The hockey player smiles and takes them "Thank you..."

And thus their relationship got more complicated and Casey knew he had to tell April that the flirting was not serious. So as Bigfoot had decided that she wanted to be with Donnie, Casey saw the opportunity to take April aside and explain. 

April misreads it as once they're alone, the first thing she says is "I haven't decided so please, could you hold off on your confession?"

Casey freezes as he realizes "oh, hold on-"

"Look, you're sweet and fun and I do like you but... Donnie... I just, give me sometime, I can't deal with either of you confessing to me yet-"

"I'm not confessing my love!" Casey says a bit louder than he meant to in frustration.

This causes the redhead to freeze "You're... not?"

"No! I am here to confess something but not my feelings"

"Confess what?"

"I'm not serious when I flirt... I... I'm just playing around..."

April slowly nods "Oh... So I... I misread everything?"

"Kind of... I thought you knew I was just goofing but, I wanted to tell you to be sure" Casey offers a small smile as the redhead is still processing.

"Oh... okay... um... well this is awkward." She chuckles nervously.

"Yeah, it is" Casey laughs a bit "It's okay, It is kind of my fault."

"Yeah, it is" April nods and laughs before asking "Still friends?"

"Hell yeah Red" The vigilante pushes her playfully as she laughs.

The rest of the day was... a day. And it ended with Mikey tapping his shoulder and signalling him to go somewhere private. In which Casey helps him go through another breakdown. The turtle repeatedly punching a tree nearby as he growls and begins hitting his head against it. Casey jumping into action as he attempts holding Mikey back as the turtle struggles and growls, thrashing around. They're far enough away that Casey doesn't stop Mikey from screaming his lungs out. He needs it and Casey lets him as it almost sounds as if he's sobbing, which a quick look at his face tells Casey that that's the case. Tears streaming down as he pants and screams again but weaker "I need... I need it...!"

Casey hugs Mikey tightly "Shhh... Shhhh... It's okay, I got you..." he can't stand seeing Mikey like this, cold turkey won't help anyone at this point. They need to risk it, Casey has to get those pain pills for Mikey.

After what seemed like hours of Casey holding Mikey as he screams and sobs, the turtle finally tires himself out and lays limp in Casey's arms "Case..."

"You need at least some of those pills..." The human mutters, sitting on the ground with Mikey and rocking both of them back and forth.

The turtle looks at Casey "I thought you said it was too risky..."

"I still think it is but you can't keep going like this. Neither of us know how long until we manage to head back to New York so you can get your stash..."

After a bit of silence the addict says "I usually take almost six..."

"Then I'm taking four and you're taking two and if this gets bad again then I'll give you the other two."

"Casey" Mikey turns to look at him, frowning "That's-"

"Too little? I'm not going to let you take your usual, I said I'm going to help and damn it I will."

The two stare each other down before Mikey sighs "Fine... I trust you... But... I want something else tonight..." the turtle then looks him up and down and Casey knows what the turtle meant by that.

The dark haired teen nods, a small blush dusting his cheeks "Right... Yeah, I'm very okay with that-" And the turtle has pulled him close and started kissing him intensely. Casey manages to pull away from Mikey's desprate, grabbing hands and pants "Now?"

"Yes now"

"We're in the woo- Mm!" The turtle pushes him down on the ground, as he kisses him again and nibbles on his lip.

"Take a shower when we're done~" Mikey grins as he kisses Casey again and gets between his legs.

Can you really blame the human when it feels so good?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Might take a small break, some personal stuff has been going down and I just need to step away for a bit. As always critique and feedback (Really any comments) are very welcome. I hope you all have good days :3 -Zack


	12. "I see behind everyone's masks"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Buried secrets in the Psychopath!Mikey AU

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (I'm back! will try to update as frequent as possible, fingers crossed, everyday)

Needless to say, Casey took a long shower in the morning, on top of that he still felt sore. Mikey was angry and frustrated, seems he took it out on the human. At least he knows he's helping the turtle. And now the human has to take some pain pills and hope it's not too suspicious when he doesn't take them. To avoid that, Casey plans on doing a Casey and just stealing the pills without anyone knowing. The problem begins when he realizes that Donnie is almost always in his makeshift lab which is where said pills are. 

Casey stands outside of the barn as he tries brainstorming how to subtly take those pills. He takes a deep breath and walks in "Hey Don!"

Donatello nods to acknowledge his presence "Hey Casey, What brings you here?"

"Just looking to get some work done on the truck" Is the excuse he came up with as he pretends to look around the truck's engine. It also helps him buy time as he still is trying to figure out how to take four pills and not seem suspicious. Luckily, it seems the universe is on his side as Donnie stands up and stretches.

"I'm going to the bathroom, do not touch anything. I trust you just about as much as I trust Mikey with my equipment.

The human doesn't hide his laugh at that, Donatello understands it as him laughing at being compared to Mikey. Of course, the teen was actually laughing at how he knew the actual Mikey and Donnie doesn't. The second Donnie is far enough, Casey goes over to search for the pain pills, smiling as he finds them and takes the four he needs before quickly leaving.

The vigilante taps Mikey's arm as he passes by. Their signal to meet in private by now. Once they do, Casey reveals two pills. The turtle seems a bit too excited, eyes wide as he immediately tries to take them, but Casey holds them away "Wait..."

Mikey growls "Wait for what? Come on!"

"The fact that you just acted like a dog seeing it's owner hold his favorite treat is why I said wait." Casey says sternly

Mikey huffs "Well, sorry. I'm desperate, I need to take something or my mask is going to crack..."

After a bit of a stare down as they both look into each other's eyes for a bit, Casey sighs "Next time, try to control yourself a bit..." he hands him the pills.

Mikey immediately pops them into his mouth "I can try..." he sighs and looks at the ground, chuckling dryly "I remember... When I was so sure that I was in control... I could stop whenever I wanted..."

"Hey... it's okay, it takes a lot to admit you have a problem... I'm proud of you for that"

The turtle's eyes widen as he hugs Casey tightly "Why do you have to say things like that...? It makes me feel... weird..."

The human chuckles and shrugs "Feels like you need to hear it..." he rubs the turtle's back even though he knows Mikey can't feel it. 

They stay like that for a while before Mikey takes a deep breath and backs away "Okay... time to put the mask back on" and just like that, wide smile, hyper attitude and real Mikey is gone. Casey misses him already.

The next day, the whole group decided to clean the abandoned house. During which, they found... April's missing mom? Things got weirder, what was even weirder is that Mikey gave him a look 'She has a mask.'

Casey was even more surprised that Mikey was essentially risking them seeing behind his mask as he tried exposing that. It was then that Casey realized something as April walked passed him "How about you try talking some sense into Mikey?"

Those words meant a few things, first is that April is indeed very mad at Mikey for insinuating that her mom is all kinds of weird. Which she is. And the second more alarming one is that she noticed. 

April said that to Casey, not Mikey's brothers like one would think. The only reason she would tell him would be that she noticed how much time Casey and Mikey spend together. If she noticed there's a good chance the others have. Which could be dangerous in terms of Mikey's mask. What if she heard Mikey screaming in the woods? 

Before he knew it, the teen had to put on his own mask to hide his panic. He wasn't sure what to do, if he tapped Mikey to talk to him in private again, then it would just be more noticeable. So he decided to try to get Mikey to read his mind, but the turtle is so focused on April's mother that before he knows it, the turtle has gone. 

Later at night, Casey expected the turtle to come in asking for the remainder of the pills he kept or sex, but he wasn't there. And suddenly there was a scream. The teen immediately got up to check it out. Mikey had attacked April's mom, shit.

Mikey's brothers wanted his help in intimidating him and questioning why, it would seem suspicious if he said no but he couldn't bring himself to actually say anything when the time came. It almost physically hurt him seeing Mikey's brothers yell and talk to him like that 'keep up the mask' he kept telling himself, even when Mikey stormed off. The dark haired human couldn't tell if that was part of the act or part of Mikey actually being hurt. The turtle had told him a while ago that sometimes what his brothers say does hurt. He wanted to hug the turtle and tell him that it was okay, to let him have his couple of minutes of peace. Casey was snapped out of his thoughts by Raph.

"Earth to Casey, still with us?" The red clad turtle waved his hands in front of the human's face.

"Uh, yeah, sorry." he rubbed his head a bit, trying to play it off as a headache.

"I'm sorry that Mikey is being... well Mikey" That made Casey's blood boil, they don't know the real Mikey. The Mikey that barely shows any emotion on his face, that speaks in that monotone way even when struggling from withdrawal. Fuck, he still has feelings.

"Casey? Are you okay? You keep spacing out..." And now Raph is worried, great. Sometimes the human wished that he had the skills Mikey has.

"Yeah, yeah I'm fine. Don't worry about it bro... I'm going to go talk to April... She probably needs some comfort." He pats Raph's shoulder as he leaves, not missing how Donnie frowned a bit at that. if only he knew the crush was on his brother and not the girl he's crushing over.

If only he knew the night was about to get even crazier.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Would you prefer short chapters and frequent uploads or long chapters and a longer wait? Would appreciate what you guys think about it. - Zack


	13. Are you okay?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Casey and Mikey haven't truly talked about what happened, about time that changed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: SUICIDAL THOUGHTS

April's mom turned out to be a Kraang failed experiment. Was Casey surprised that she was a creature? Yes. Was he surprised that Mikey was right? Of course not. Now, was it hard to act surprised about both questions? Absolutely. He has no idea how Mikey does it almost 24/7. Something that bothered Casey a bit was that Mikey still stayed away, even after the whole ordeal. On top of that, no one said anything about Mikey being right, just criticized that he didn't remember where the mutagen was spilled... That's not right.

Only later at night does Casey get a knock on his door, he quickly stands up to open the door. Before a word can come out of the dark haired human's mouth, a turtle mouth finds itself on it. He pushes Casey back and closes the door behind him, quickly pushing him onto the bed. Usually, Casey would let his hormones take over and let Mikey do whatever, but he wants to talk.

"M-Mikey..."

"Shut up" the turtle quickly says as he shoves his hand down Casey's pants.

Casey pants and fuck he doesn't really want to stop but he pushes Mikey back "Stop!" he whispers harshly. 

The turtle finally stops and looks at him, annoyed "What?"

"Are you okay?"

"Yes, now come on" Mikey starts lifting up Casey's shirt, said human taking his wrists and stopping him. 

"Mike..." they stare each other for a bit before the orange clad turtle sighs.

"We're not going to fuck tonight are we?"

"I don't know, are you going to open up and tell me what's wrong?"

Another stare down and finally Mikey backs up, huffing in annoyance, sitting up straighter "Fine... what would you like to pry about?"

"Did you really forget where that mutagen was spilled?"

"What do you think Casey?" that emotionless stare looks into his very soul.

"Why did you lie?" Casey looks at him in concern.

"I pretend to be annoying and an idiot... but sometimes when I can tell something is up I do try to warn my brothers... and then they either pretend I didn't say anything or try to shift the focus to get mad at me for something else..." the turtle admits as he looks down at the bed, the smallest bit of hurt in his eyes.

"So fuck them, why tell them where it is?"

"Because mutagen is dangerous maybe?" Mikey chuckles dryly at that.

"You overestimate how much I actually care about more mutants being created or born or whatever." 

"What about that creep made from Leo's vomit? Do you really want to risk that?"

"Casey, this is what's going to happen: A new mutant is going to appear and try to attack or kill us, then we'll struggle but manage to beat the 'bad guys' and if I do anything to help I'll be ignored again."

Casey stares at the turtle for a bit before managing to get out "How many times have you done this...?"

"Done what? Purposely cause inconveniences because my brothers decided they didn't want to let down their pride for five fucking seconds to actually admit I helped and that I was right?... yeah, I have..."

Casey is speechless before sighing "you want to be numb for some reason I guess..."

Mikey chuckles dryly "You have no idea... And if not drugs..." he gets closer and kisses Casey again "...I'd rather drown it out with lustful pleasure... Besides, we both benefit from it... I know you enjoy it..." Now that is an understatement. 

"Mikey... if we do this too often it could... it could turn into another problem..." 

The turtle scoffs "Which would you rather me have? A drug addiction or a sex addiction?"

"Well-"

"Neither, I get it! Would you stop acting like you're my sponsor in narcotics anonymous? Fucking hell! Sometimes I wished I'd just taken all my pills at once before this whole mess!" The turtle pants as he growls and tears at the sheets with his hands, still trying to be quiet in his outburst. 

There's some silence as Mikey then growls and gets up, about to leave. However, Casey grabs his shoulders and pulls him onto the bed, climbing on top of him and kissing him "I was going to say a sex addiction..."

The turtle actually has surprise in his eyes as he looks up at the human, he leans up to kiss him again. 

Casey pushes him back down with a hand on his neck "would you be patient for once?" he says with a bit of frustration. 

Mikey looks up at him with wide eyes, slowly nodding, his green cheeks flushing a bit. Casey takes a deep breath and says "Talk to me... the only thing we've done is fuck ever since we got here... Let's talk, okay?"

The orange clad turtle sighs "...I care about my brothers... I do... as much as someone like me can... I don't even feel that way about Splinter, so before you ask, no. Splinter's death didn't affect me... Leo being in a coma did... do something... It's probably a common emotion but... I don't know what it was..." Casey nods as he listens, his fingers idily rubbing at his neck where his hand still is. It seems to relax the turtle a bit as he continues "I've been feeling... well... I've been feeling. And I haven't felt so much for so long... This..." he holds onto the wrist of Casey's hand that's on his neck "It's felt so good... I can't describe it... I just want more... I barely feel anything and if I do then it's negative emotions, but not when we do this."

Casey hums "I... I'm sorry."

"Please don't... I don't want pity."

"I know... You said it's the only time you feel good right?"

Mikey nods, gasping a bit as Casey's hand tightens around his neck and he kisses him intensely.

"Give me control this time..." the human mutters before, for once in Michelangelo's life, he doesn't just give up control, he gives it to someone else.

Michelangelo doesn't truly know what love feels like, so how is he supposed to know the difference between love and lust?


	14. All or Nothing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A peak inside of Mikey's mind

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> BIG TRIGGER WARNING: SELF HARM, SELF DEPRECATING THOUGHTS  
> Trigger heavy part is labelled so it can be skipped without missing too much

There were days Mikey felt everything at once, and days he felt nothing at all. He always amps up his act whenever he feels nothing just to make sure nothing bleeds through. However, his brothers aren't exactly a fan of it and this is always when they decide that their brother's antics are far too much and say things that although don't affect Mikey at the moment, always does later on. This is the main reason he used, to feel numb again. Everything would be better if he was always numb. But now he was stuck in a farm with no drugs but with Casey. Not just Casey, but his body. The vigilante's body had been it's own drug to the orange clad turtle.

After that night in which Mikey finally gave Casey control, he wanted more. The turtle was panting and tired after the fact. He was clinging to the hockey player and his mind felt fuzzy.

"Mike? Still with me?" the human asked with genuine concern, hand cupping his cheek.

Mikey whines a bit and nods, leaning into his hand "C-Can we do that again?~"

The human's cheeks flush red for a bit before he smiles down at the turtle "Looks like you like not having control for once~" Casey then kisses Mikey's neck where he had to stop himself from leaving marks as much as he wanted to and he knew Mikey wanted them too, judging by how his back arched and how he gasped.

"M-Mhm...~ Can we...?"

"Now? It's pretty late isn't it?" Casey says as he sits up and stretches, the human seeming to pale a bit as he covers his chest by crossing his arms "Where's my binder...?"

Mikey looks over and reaches to pick up said binder before giving it to Casey "Here... And, you're right..." he takes a deep breath and tries to get the haze out of his mind. The turtle already misses it, better than any drug.

"Hey, stay on Earth will you?" Casey isn't as worried as he says this, both hands cupping Mikey's cheeks.

Mikey's small genuine smile makes a reappearance as he nods "I'll try..."

Mikey's head is left spinning after they both get dressed and Mikey has to leave to go to his own room. However, as he closes the door as quietly as possible, he freezes as a certain April O'Neil stares at him as it seems she was getting some water late at night. He was caught, he stared back and made fear apparent in his face. The turtle is quite skilled at putting on his mask at the drop of a hat, the only thing April could assume is a secret relationship, Mikey would rather leave it at that.

April's small reassuring smile proves to Mikey that this is what April assumes. She walks over to him and says "I won't tell them if you don't want me to."

Mikey nods "Please don't?"

The red head giggles "Okay... try to be more discreet about it if you really want to keep it secret... and... I'm sure your brothers would be accepting, just so you know."

Mikey slowly nods, making sure to look very scared.

"Hey..." April pats his back "It's okay, I won't say a word... come out on your own time, I know things are stressful right now."

Mikey takes a deep breath "Y-Yeah... thank you..." he overreacts a grateful smile, not entirely in genuine, as April heads back to her room. 

The next day was horrible, a nothing day had to happen then. He was left alone and the amount of will power it took to not take the pain pills in Donnie's lab was draining. So he gave completely into his mask, hoping he'll feel anything and ending up trashing the house. Still nothing, as time keeps ticking, he knows he has some time before everyone comes back. So the turtle goes into the bathroom, he stares at himself in the mirror, letting his mask fully fall to look at himself as he truly is. 

[TRIGGER WARNING]  
Numb, emotionless, empty. In the end that's all he is, empty. A psychopath isn't needed, he tells himself. There's no logical reason for him to be here, once his brothers see the mess he made, he knows he'll be barraged by insult after insult. 

They don't care, they treat him like a chore and never want to acknowledge when he does help. He's tired, tired of trying, tired of having these days, tired of the numbness. Before he realizes it, he's holding a small knife, one that all four of them have in case of emergency. Mikey uses it for something else along with it being an extra weapon. 

As he continues staring at himself in the mirror, he slowly undoes his bandages, almost like he's hypnotized. But he's the only one there, the only one telling his body what to do. He's numb, he feels nothing, he needs to feel something, has to. If the only thing he can feel is pain then so be it. As it stands, he feels like a ghost watching his body, like he's watching a tv show or reading a book. It's as if this isn't really him. He wants to feel SOMETHING. Like last night...  
[TRIGGER WARNING OVER]

Last night, with the human, with Casey. If he was here, he'd stop him, the stupid human has a crush on the psychopath of course he'd stop him. The human got a crush after spending time with the real him. Why does that thought feel like a punch to his stomach, as if he had no shell protecting it? 

Before he realizes what he's doing, he sees that his knife has been put away and that he's putting his bandages back on. That's the first time he's ever stopped himself from doing it. Casey Jones really is affecting him. And why does that thought almost bring a nauseating feeling to the turtle? Again, he feels almost as if he's just been beaten by Shredder in a fight. He really doesn't know what this feeling is, but it's aggressive and it's almost like he's fighting it and losing. 

After some more time staring at himself, he realizes that his bought of numbness has stopped, not lasting a full day like usual. So he leaves the bathroom and realizes the mess he still has to clean up before everyone comes back.

Too late...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A bit shorter of a chapter, just felt natural to end it there, hope you enjoy - Zack


	15. Yes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: Dysphoria

One frog situation later and Casey was made acutely aware of something, the pain in his chest. He was a bit scared and confused at first as he wondered why. However later at night when he went to shower, he remembered that he was born in the wrong body and he's definitely been wearing that binder for over 8 hours. The hockey player tries his best to shower without looking at his chest too much, but he's far too aware of things he has that he's not supposed to have and things he doesn't have that he should have.

Casey stares at his body in the mirror, noting and pointing out to himself all the things that are wrong. He doesn't know why he does this, it doesn't help him, it doesn't make him feel better, it just makes him hate his body even more. Sometimes he just wants to rip out his stupid chest himself. As he finally snaps himself out of it, he realizes that it's definitely not safe for him to put his binder back on, and he doesn't have any sports bras, or bras in general. They left New York with only what they were all already wearing, so even if he came out to April, it's likely she doesn't have any extras either. Meaning that there's only one option left, not wear anything at all for at least a day. He will not spend two days without his binder.

This is why Casey has two shirts on and a hoodie, his chest is already flat enough that it can be hidden by just a hoodie, combined with two other shirts, it's enough to give the flat appearance but it just feels wrong and if you look close enough, which Casey definitely does, you can see a small bump. 

It takes a while, but a knock on the door from an angry Raph tells him that it's time to suck it up and put on a mask like the youngest brother. But of course, he's not Mikey so he gets repeatedly asked by everyone else what's wrong. Everyone except for Mikey that is, who taps Casey's arm as they're all hanging out in the living room. Mikey leaves to go to the barn and soon after Casey follows, being a bit confused by April's small smile as she sees him leave.

"What's wrong? Also you're very bad at having a mask" This is the first thing the turtle says once Casey finds him alone.

"Wow. Hi Casey, I'm doing okay how are you?" Casey says sarcastically, trying to deflect.

Mikey gives him a monotone, deadpan look which makes Casey shift a bit "Casey Jones, I've seen every inch of you. I know you. What's wrong?"

Casey knows that there's a chance Mikey already knows and as always, lying is an insult "I wore my binder for too long... So now I'm stuck with my fucking tits out since I don't have any sports bra or anything to try and flatten it..." he crosses his arms to cover the small bumps.

Mikey stays quiet for a bit before walking closer and saying "I didn't notice."

And that makes Casey's eyes widen "W-What...? Really?"

Mikey gives him a monotone slight smile as he nods "You actually have quite the flat chest already, it would be possible to think you're cis even with the small amount of fat. So no, I don't notice a thing."

Casey smiles "Thanks... that helps..." it doesn't make his dysphoria vanish since that's not how it works, but it does help his mood quite the bit.

"Of course..." Mikey's hand is shaking a bit, the human notices.

"What about you? How is... withdrawal?" He wants to hold the turtle's hand, but that might be pushing it.

Mikey sighs and holds his own hand, willing it to stop "I still feel like shit... I still want to scream... And I really want drugs..." he growls a bit at himself, before looking Casey in the eye, "Can... Can we do that again...?" the turtle says as he gets closer and raises his hand to press against the vigilante's chest. Any other day and that wouldn't affect him at all. But his lack of a binder and dysphoria makes him feel worse and he backs up.

"U-Um... Maybe not tonight..." he gulps and rubs the back of his neck "I'm sorry Mike..."

The turtle looks at him with no emotion on his face for a bit before he gets close again and whispers "Would fucking me like a cis guy help?~" he smirks and licks Casey's neck slowly.

The dark haired human does lose himself a bit as he leans against the turtle, allowing Mikey to graze his teeth against the human's skin. Casey then tenses and freezes as he sees April. They've been caught red handed, Casey panics and pats on Mikey's shell "April! April is right there!" he whispers yells. 

However, Mikey smiles and chuckles, clearly not worried but clearly trying to hide his monotone self "She thinks we're dating in secret... Don't worry, she won't tell my brothers..." he says as he then turns and gives April a smile who in turn nods and smiles. Happy that the guy she unintentionally led on has found his own happiness, at least that's what she thinks. She then leaves to go back to hanging out with the other three turtles.

Casey sighs in relief "When were you going to tell me that?"

"She saw me leaving your room, I told her not to say anything, and I believe she won't" he explains as he then continues to tease at Casey's neck.

Casey stifles a groan "Y-You're sure?"

"Case... It's me..." the turtle simply states as he finally stops his teasing "So? Maybe later tonight?~"

Casey takes a deep breath "I don't know... We'll see..." his dysphoria is still screaming in his head about every move he makes and how feminine he is being. But it's not as bad anymore, the thought of what Mikey said does seem to help a bit. For one he is appreciative that he's not cis, as it would be quite hard to hide that he's riled up as he sits back in the living room. Mikey puts his facade back on and Casey once more can't wait to spend more time with the real Mikey behind that mask.

April manages to catch the small fond smile Casey gets as he looks at Mikey, before quickly hiding it. She in turn looks at Donnie and smiles fondly, she and Casey have something in common and she can already foresee conversations about them gushing about their turtle boyfriends.

Casey is still wishing that the turtle could feel something for him, anything. He feels nauseous as he realizes again that his crush is one sided and that he'll likely be pining for as long as him and Mikey keep doing this. Is it healthy? Not in the slightest. But is the human going to continue this relationship?

Yes


	16. I see pictures in my head

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (I'm not dead, yay! Writer's block and some mental health shit hit me hard, but I'm back! I'll stop forcing myself to upload every single day so hopefully this won't happen again. Hope you all enjoy! I love reading your comments and it really cheers me on. Hope you're all doing okay! :3)

Despite things like dream beavers, a sentient car, and a weird worm chimera thing, there was a bit of a routine for the turtle and the human. After whatever crisis was over, later at night Mikey would go to Casey's room and they would have sex. Almost every single night. The human knew this was a problem but he rather have his heart teased and Mikey have a sex problem than a drug problem that could actually kill the turtle. Even though things were getting risky, Mikey was wanting to do it more often and with his brothers just in the next room. Once they even hid in a closet, this was getting ridiculous. Maybe helping one addiction by fueling another was a bad idea. Really thinking about it, he couldn't help but to slap himself in the face and call himself a dumbass. But it's better than the alternative, even though Mikey is clearly still struggling with that withdrawal. 

Another plus to spending so much time knowing Mikey inside and out is being able to see through his mask a bit. He could tell when some of the turtle's emotions had some genuine feelings behind them and then could tell when he felt the opposite of what he's showing. And then the turtles went on a spirit quest? He's not exactly sure as to what happened, something about Splinter talking to them via campfire? A tap on the shoulder before going out and Mikey heading to what's become their usual talking spot distracts him from his thoughts.

"He wasn't scared..." The turtle says as he stares at the ground.

"What?" the human tilts his head as he looks at him worriedly.

"For all of my life, my father has pretended to go along with my mask. I've always seen the fear behind it... He was genuine this time..."

"The fire spirit version, thing?"

The turtle nods "Close enough... It could be that he was a spirit and not him physically but... It just feels like... Something's changed..." he crosses his arms.

The human is overwhelmed with the urge to hug and comfort him, but he knows that would probably spark another conversation about how Mikey can't feel the same way... That's thrown out the window as the turtle sighs and walks to him, leaning into the hockey player's chest.   
Casey wraps his arms around him almost on instinct. Before he can voice his confusion, the turtle speaks up "I'm sorry if this is playing on your feelings... I just..." he sighs "You're the only one I truly trust... I just... I don't know... I feel like throwing up, like I'm being punched repeatedly..."

"Um... S-Sorry?" he keeps hugging him tightly in an attempt to comfort the turtle.

"It's fine... I just... I'm not used to feeling a lot..." The orange clad turtle relaxes against the human and Casey has to admit to himself how much this relaxes him in turn.

"I know... feelings make your head explode." The dark haired teen chuckles and feels as though his own heart explodes as Mikey actually chuckles a bit as well, genuine, with that slightest bit of monotone behind it that only the real Mikey has. 

"Well... I should go and get ready for the spirit quest..." the turtle pulls away and Casey has to stop himself from holding him there. The genuine smile the turtle gives him almost makes his heart stop "Hopefully it won't take too long..."

The twitching from the turtle's hands tells the human exactly why he doesn't want it to take long, he's managed this long without taking the other two pills, might as well "Hey Mike..." 

"Hm?" his eyes widen as the human shows the pills "Casey-"

"It's probably going to be hell going through a spirit quest and fighting withdrawal symptoms... It'll help you for a bit at least..." Casey smiles at him to assure the turtle that he means it.

He hesitates, but then quickly swallows down the pills "Thank you..." Casey thinks he sees a bit of pink on the turtle's green cheeks but it's probably just his own mind hoping and wanting his feelings to be returned.

The waiting was torture, thankfully he wasn't alone "Worried?" The redhead asked as she sat next to him on the porch of the house.

Casey knows he has to lie to a degree, she thinks him and Mikey are together so admitting that he's worried about him isn't too out there, just has to leave out the addict part of his worry "Yeah..."

"Can't say I've really seen you this... tense. You're usually a pretty go with the flow kind of dude. Let me guess, Mikey is who you're worried about." She smiles, patting his back as he nods, trying to offer some solidarity "If it helps, I'm worried about Donnie..."

"So you finally made up your mind?" Casey tries to lighten the mood and it works as she chuckles.

"Yeah... I will say, you telling me you didn't like me helped a lot... And when I accidentally caught Mikey leaving your room, it helped even more..." she laughs a bit "He looked terrified..."

"I bet he did" Mikey said it himself, he's an amazing actor. The memory of when he first said that sends shivers down his spine, no longer giving him the feeling of fear. He takes a deep breath as he leans back and looks at the sky.

"So... Didn't know you were into guys." That gets a laugh out of the hockey player.

"I'm sure most people don't think that when they see me. I'm sure they look at me and say 'That's a cis straight white boy that only thinks with one head and it's not the one on his shoulders' " 

That in turn gets a laugh out of the red head as she admits "Guilty..." she rubs the back of her neck awkwardly "Sorry."

"Don't sweat it red, I think it adds to my already awesome personality. People think I'm some wild guy and me being bi adds to that, even though not all bi people are like that."

"Wild? Crazy?"

Casey nods "That is a Casey Jones exclusive" he keeps looking at the sky, hearing the chuckle from April. As they settle into silence, memories flash in Casey's head. He almost relives them, seeing Mikey smile and struggle to muffle himself and keep quiet. Drool running down his face, his mask stuffed in his mouth to work as a gag, the way he desperately held onto Casey for dear life, leaving scratches down his back-

"Casey?" April snaps him out of it, he's pretty sure his face is bright red since as he looks at her, April giggles. "Careful Jones, your boyfriend isn't here to make whatever you're fantasizing come true."

Casey clears his throat and looks back at the ground, chuckling nervously. 'Your boyfriend' oh how Casey wishes he could call Mikey that... "S-Sorry, daydreaming I guess..."

"Well, I was trying to ask for how long you two have been together... and why are you two keeping it secret?"

Now he has to come up with something, he can be honest and just tell her that they've been 'together' for as long as they've been sleeping with each other. The tricky part is why, he can't say he's the one that's ashamed, he just proudly declared his sexuality. Maybe...  
"We really started being together recently... Not long after Leo woke up..." he wrings his hands together "He... He's scared" Go along with what Mikey already showed, he showed fear, so let's go with that, "He... he doesn't know how his brothers would react... They've barely been exposed to anything LGBTQ+ so... he just wants to come out on his own time since he's pretty much in the dark." Yeah, that sounds like a good valid reason and it does line up with things Mikey himself has told him.

April nods "I see... I really don't think they'd be that judgmental... maybe just confused?"

"Still, I'll respect what he wants... I don't mind hiding it, I'm batshit insane, not an asshole." He smiles at her and she chuckles as she looks out towards the forest.

"I understand... Maybe I could talk to Donnie-"

"Talk to him about what?" That was too fast Jones.

April raises her hands up as she replies "About what he knows about LGBT stuff... Don't worry, I won't tell him about you and Mikey, I promise." She explains calmly which in turn calms down the dark haired teen.

"Okay..." The rest of the time waiting for the turtles wasn't as bad. Both teens spent that time talking, watching TV and finally sparring. Throughout which they would both gush about their respective turtle, although Casey had to be careful about what he said. It was hard not to talk about how he realized that real Mikey's slightly monotone voice and manner was attractive to him. He wasn't sure why but he handled it similar to how he handled figuring out that he was bi, accepting it. No matter what his dad said about how he's either a confused lesbian or a tomboy that's sick in the head. He still remembers when he was dating Nick, the second his dad figured out, he kept trying to convince Casey that he was just confused and that wearing a dress would 'cure him.'   
His dad, his sister... they were already mutated by the time Casey got there. Kraang monsters that didn't recognize him. He couldn't care less about his father but seeing his sister like that almost broke him. He hoped that they were at least mostly okay, that they would find a way to fix everything. Donnie's made retromutagen before, he could make it again, hopefully. When the turtles came back, they also brought a statement with them. It was time to go back to New York, maybe Casey would be able to help his family after all. But something did worry him with that statement, Mikey would get access to all the drugs that he has grown dependent on. 

Casey hopes that Mikey will be able to do something that will undoubtedly be hard for him, throw away what he calls his box of candies.


	17. Mistakes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things get messy as they go back to New York.

"What about the lair?" A simple harmless sounding question, but one that made Casey Jones terrified. Especially since the youngest turtle was the one that asked it. The human knows of one thing that is in the lair that the turtle has been craving since they left, and he hopes that it's not the reason the turtle suggested it. He didn't tell April anything about Mikey's problem but thankfully, because of how he's made his mask, April held him back from going into the lair. Casey had to hide his sigh of relief as him, April and Mikey waited for the others to come back.

The thing that scared the vigilante is that Mikey kept pushing, using very sensible reasoning that fits the character of his mask. It wasn't a coincidence or a possible innocent reasoning, this confirmed it. Michelangelo wanted to go in the lair so badly, because he wanted his stash. Thankfully, after getting Splinter back, they settled down at Antonio's, not in the lair. There was something that might get to both the human and the turtle, they didn't have any privacy. They all had to sleep on the floor and it was cramped, even in a separate room there was absolutely no way they could even attempt to do anything, at least that's what the vigilante thought. And then before he knew it, he'd be stuffed into one of the bathroom stalls almost everyday and be stressed out of his mind about being caught.

Now he was stressed about something else though. The human along with the red and blue clad turtles were currently sneaking around the turtles' old home, looking for anything they could take with them that they might need. Everyone had their requests for what they wanted, Mikey had been adamant about the tv, and the dark haired human could tell he was secretly pleading about having something else. On top of trying to not be caught, Casey had a choice to make. Mikey had told him where the box was a long time ago, showing his building trust in sharing its hiding place. Should he take some? If so, he didn't know what to take and how much. He had no idea how strong they were. He vaguely remembered some of Mikey's favorites, but he didn't know if that was a good choice. It was possibly a worst idea to just go back empty handed, they can't go into the woods to let Mikey scream his head out, and eventually his twitches and shivering will be hard to hide. As Casey stares at the many drugs in the box, he makes some quick decisions.

It can't be anything smokable. Mikey can't go outside to smoke and if he does it inside everyone will smell it. It can't be something that has to be injected or snorted. The human decides that it has to be a pill, but which one? Can't be too strong or something that'll cause Mikey to hallucinate. And back to the problem of Casey not knowing what is what. That's to school, he sees ecstasy and quickly rules it out. He sees what he thinks could be LSD so he rules that out as well. A pill bottle, one of those and they usually have labels too.

"Casey..." the whisper yell of Raph makes him rush. He can't let the other turtles find out about their youngest brother's bad habit. It has to be a pill bottle, read them quick. Some have the labels ripped off. "Casey...!" he hears closer now.

Fuck, time to decide, no time to read, he has to put the box back before Raph or the kraang drone get to him. He takes one with a label, he'll read it later and see what he's stuck with guarding. The hockey player scrambles to hide the box again, his heart beating like a drum in his chest as Raph finds him "Casey, we have to go now!" the turtle whispers yells.

Casey is really hoping Raph can't see the bottle as he nods "Okay, okay! I'm going." As they make their way out and back to the pizzeria, he risks a quick look. Opioids, he's heard how addictive they are, was this a mistake? Should he just throw it out and hope he can help Mikey hide his withdrawal symptoms? Casey hides a sighs with a yawn. He trusts Mikey enough that he knows if he asks him what the pills are like and how bad they are, the turtle will truthfully answer. 

The vigilante doesn't really get a chance to ask or tell Mikey much, a certain look manages to communicate what he wanted to and he understands that the turtle got the message as well. And now he's stuck in the pizzeria with the turtle's rat father and the girl that thinks he's dating the psychopath. Needless to say, it's pretty awkward. Even more so when April goes into the bathroom and the human is stuck with a giant rat. Casey is perfectly content with sitting in silence, however the wise sensei has other plans.

"Michelangelo acts different around you..."

Casey freezes and thinks of excuses and different things to say to explain why and not say, I'm helping your son with his drug addiction and feeding another addiction because I caught feelings for someone who can't feel empathy. Oh and by the way, I know he's a psychopath.

"We've been hanging out a lot...?" He mentally slams his head against the wall.

"Hmm... I did notice that... before this... happened" Splinter says as he looks outside through the small parts of the windows that are still exposed. It very much wasn't a lie, but Casey can foresee the question coming "Do you know?"

"About what?"

"His... condition..."

Casey took a deep breath as he nods "Yeah... I do..."

"And you've managed to gain his trust..." How could he tell that? Because he raised the turtle or because of ninja stuff?

"I hope so" The hockey player chuckles nervously as he jokes a bit. He quickly shuts up at the rat not laughing or really doing anything.

"Hm..." Splinter walks over to Casey "I... While my mind was separated from my body. I realized many things... I have not been fair to him..." shame is shown clear on his face. "I... I wasn't sure what would happen... I was afraid of raising another Uroku Saki. A foolish fear... I'm glad he has you." he gives the human a warm smile "At least he had someone while I was blinded by fear... Now I have to attempt to fix a relationship I did not allow to form..."

He's not sure how to feel about that as the rat goes back to looking out the window. Did he just get Splinter's blessing? No, stop being a useless bi Jones.

Unless...


	18. I gotta take my medication

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A glimpse inside of Michelangelo's mind.

It's an itch, that's what this has become, and Michelangelo hates every second of it. What was once stress relief, something extra to help out his broken mind is now adding to his rotten mind. He's managed to make it look like he's just spacing out often, but it gnaws at his mind. Scratches at the back of his neck and whispers 'You know you need me' as he struggles to hold up the same mask he has had for 15 years. But the turtle has to focus, right now it's focusing on finding a certain snake mutant. 

"Mikey, still on Earth?" Whoops, spaced out again. He almost gets a slap to the face from being too close to his red clad brother's hand as it waves in front of his face. 

The youngest turtle musters up a nervous laugh "Yeah, just thinking about stuff."

"You mean like the amount of pizza you'll get to have since we live in a pizzeria for now?" Meant as a sarcastic question from his hot tempered brother. However, Michelangelo isn't feeling that creative at the moment so it'll do.

"You know it!"

"Would you two be quiet? You'll scare Karai away at this point." The leader of the group sighs as he's dealt with this far too many times already.

The youngest sticks his tongue out at the eldest and flinches away in an exaggerated manner as the muscle of the team threatens to punch him. Exaggerate, that's how one plays Mikey's mask. He's depending on the exaggerations at this point, over react to avoid under reacting.

'Feeling slow?'

'Felling at all?'

'You know what you need'

'You know Casey got something when he went to the lair'

'Should've found a way to get him to give it to you'

'Pills. Pills is probably what he got. Can't smoke. Can't really do anything noticeable except for pills'

"Mikey...?"

'Who cares about having an addiction? It makes you not feel, don't you remember how nice that feels?'

"Mikey?"

'You need it. Fight it another day'

"Mikey"

'You've missed it, you're doing worse without it. Just turn it off for one more day'

"Mikey!" A harsh whisper and a jab at his shoulder wakes him from his trance-like state. 

"W-What was that for bro?!" What was with that stutter?

"Karai!" The red clad turtle points at the snake mutant and Mikey becomes aware of the situation. Seeing the race of them versus a Russian and a walking glowstick. 

The younger turtle goes to try and convince her to go with them. But as he gets up, the world spins and Mikey has to balance himself to stop from falling 'Fuck...' The snake is weary of him and he has to keep his mask on, not sure if Karai will remember this. "Karai, It's me. Michelangelo." He puts on his classic wide smile.  
'Wait, is it too wide?'

'Does it look manic?'

'Pull yourself together!'

'You've done this for fifteen years!'

'Calm down!'

'Stop it!'

'STOP FREAKING OUT!'

'STOP MAKING THE HEADACHE WORSE!'

'STOP FEELING!'

"She's getting away!" 

Mikey hears someone shout and he has to shake his head to bring himself back. Surprise, surprise, it makes his head spin again and he has to keep himself stable.

'Don't show the truth'

'Don't show the truth'

'Don't show the truth'

'Keep up the mask'

'When did this become so exhausting?'

Every breath hurts. Every thought is a scream. Every shake sends him spinning. He's barely keeping up, barely keeping up the mask. And yet, they don't notice a thing. It's normal for him to be spacey and out of it, right? He feels like throwing up, his body feels heavy. Michelangelo needs his medication. This fact is becoming clearer and clearer. His vision is blurry, he's on auto-pilot at this point. The turtle is putting barely any effort in keeping his mask up, he's still wobbling and slow to answer his brothers. And they still don't notice. They still don't notice? They don't think anything is wrong? Why does it hurt? He's barely putting any energy into it.  
The air is cold, it's sharp. Every gust of wind is like being dunked in water.

'Oh no, it's happening again.'

The bandages on his skin are too tight, the pavement he steps on is too hot. His mask is too tight, his shell is too tight, his skin is too tight. Everything is too loud, the shouting and fighting is too loud.

'Please, make it stop.'

Going back home is a relief, even though home is an abandoned pizzeria at the moment. Mikey is smiling and bouncing around, trying to cheer up his brothers as his mask would in this situation. But he is exhausted. Every jump feels as though his legs are broken, every jerk and movement of his arms feels like every bone is broken. His skin is too heavy, pulling on every joint. He needs privacy, he needs to sleep for a day.

'You need what Casey Jones has.'

Yes, that is what he needs. At least one pill, at least two, maybe three? He needs it, it would help so much. He doesn't want to feel anything.

'Look for him, go to the bathroom, take it.'

It's too loud, every thought is a scream in his ears. He wants to just relax, he wants quiet, he wants to be numb. Casey can tell, the turtle recognizes that look of concern and worry despite the human hiding it. He just wants to be alone with him, have his pills, maybe do something quick, anything to take away these feelings and thoughts. Lucky for him, everyone went to Donnie's temporary lab to talk. He doesn't even tap on Casey's shoulder, he drags him to the bathroom and lets go. Falling into his arms as he shakes and pants.

"Casey... Please... Tell me you have something..."

"You look sick" The human says with wide eyes, he hasn't seen the turtle be this bad.

Mikey has to stop himself from shouting and lashing out as he harshly whispers, pulling himself up to be inches away from Casey's face "No shit. Now give me what I need... Please... I can't take this, please." He can't stop the overflowing tears as he desperately begs and pleads.

"Holy shit... Mikey, hey, just give me a second, I have something... I'm not sure exactly what it does but I have something."

"Give it to me!" A harsh whisper, even in this state, the turtle knows better than to risk revealing his true self to his brothers.

"Okay! Okay" Casey reaches into his pocket and takes out a bottle. Mikey recognizes it immediately and lurches forward to grab it, but Casey keeps it out of reach. "Calm down, I'll give you two, but that's it!"

Mikey whines "Please...Please..." he slides down to the floor, panting and shaking still.

Casey goes down with him as he takes two out and Mikey quickly takes them, leaning against the dark haired human and holding onto him tightly as he repeats "Thank you... Thank you..."

Casey wraps his arms around the struggling turtle, hugging him tightly. Mikey can't help but to sob a bit into the human's chest. The hug was expected to make his senses worse, but it helps. It keeps him grounded and weighted down, is this why weighted blankets exist? He lets himself go limp in the human's arms, trusting him. The one person that has seen behind his mask and hasn't turned the other way.

If only he could return the human's feelings... Well, if only he even knew what it felt like.


	19. Is this a good time?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The toxicity continues

It took a while for the youngest turtle to calm down and return to his monotone self. It took some comforting but Mikey and Casey were both able to stand up and join the others. Coming out of the bathroom at different times to make it seem less suspicious. And Mikey was able to instantly put his mask back on and it's almost like nothing happened. 

But Casey notices. He sees the minimal amount of effort put into it, when usually Casey would be amazed at how well the mask is put up. But this was... Mediocre at best. It gave the human anxiety, the turtle was being careless enough that his brothers could notice.

The youngest turtle's brothers haven't suspected anything wrong. But if Casey is noticing this, shouldn't they? They were raised with him while the human has barely known him for a year. Sure, Casey knows the turtle inside and out but, eve in terms of his mask, he's acting different...

Ah.

That's why.

A test.

Casey sees the hurt, as much as the turtle wants him to believe he can't feel it, the human sees it. He wants to talk to the orange clad turtle but that will have to wait. Time to go on a snake hunt. 

Casey gets paired up with Raph which means no talking to Mikey and comforting him. But maybe, just maybe, he can ask Raph if he's noticed anything, maybe there's hope in that the hot head who's always lingering over the youngest turtle's shoulder will have noticed that something is off. 

So far, not so bad. The movie that's playing is decent at best, which means more focus can be put on finding Karai. It also means that the human can drop a completely innocent question.

"Have you noticed Mikey's acting weird?" Nailed it.

"Mikey? He always acts weird. I mean, not being in the lair with all his games and comic books is definitely making him even more Mikey." The turtle says as he haphazardly pushes seats and segments of the wall around to search. "I know he's been even more annoying so sorry for having to deal with that."

Just going to pretend that doesn't tick him off a bit. Just a bit. "No, nothing like that, just thought he was acting weird." At least he can tell Mikey that his brothers, or at least Raph, have noticed even despite the stress of the situation. It will definitely help Mikey's mind.

Hopefully the turtle is doing okay at Coney Island. Not having to deal with withdrawal symptoms, or at least not as bad as before, should definitely help. But he can only imagine what he's thinking in terms of his brothers not noticing. At least he thinks none of them have noticed. The human doesn't have much time to dwell on more thoughts over his psychopathic crush as suddenly a Russian rhino is fighting both him and Raph. 

Before he knows it, he's getting knocked out and dragged off.

Casey Jones wakes up in the back of a truck. At least being knocked out meant getting to see Mikey sooner, although it's pretty hard to talk in the middle of a fight. The whole thing was definitely badass and metal. Seeing the turtles jumping from roller coasters and the game of hot potato with the retro mutagen gun thing.

What wasn't as badass or metal was the depressing realization that the whole mission was futile. It didn't work on the now snake mutant and she revealed that she just wanted to say goodbye before she lost her mind. His thoughts can't help but to wander to what the youngest turtle might think of this. After all, he knows something happened involving her in a conversation between the orange clad turtle and the wise rat the turtles call father. 

It was a quiet walk back to the abandoned pizza shop. A quick glance at the others' faces and he can guess what's going through their minds. Mikey remains as unreadable as ever, what he's pretending is that he's clearly distraught over losing the chance to hangout with the lost Hamato sister. But Casey knows that it is an act, his mask he so expertly knows how to portray. The human teen does realize that the turtle no longer is using the bare minimum effort to keep up said mask. Seems the test has ended.

Donnie is calculating, trying to think up how he could've done things differently. What formulas he could've missed. How he could've made the retro mutagen differently. If he even did make the retro mutagen properly. If he remembered it well, wrote it down well. Donatello is doubting his mind, wondering if he's to blame for this. And if there wasn't anyway to stop it, he should've saved some for Splinter. Made his father human again. Now his father is still a rat and Karai is still a snake.

Raph is always a simple read. Even before Casey had started taking accidental reading lessons from Mikey. He's mad. That's most of the red clad turtle's personality. As his best friend, Casey knows this. Hell, their first meeting involved both of their tempers getting out of control and almost killing each other. Raph is mad because this whole mission feels like a waste of time. The retro mutagen didn't work on Karai, it was something they all knew had a chance of happening. Raphael is mad, he doesn't even like her and this whole mission accomplished nothing.

And then there's the eldest, blue clad turtle, Leonardo. He's feeling the worst out of all of them. Karai and him had been close friends, and he knew how much it would mean to his father to have his lost daughter back. It seems that every time they manage to get Karai back, something else happens that causes them to quickly lose her again. Leo wants to finally have her on their side, he wants to finally reunite his father and his step-sister.

For a quick second, Casey remembers Leo having a crush on Karai and hopes that it's long gone. Blood related or not, Casey doesn't really appreciate the idea of two siblings being together.

When they get back to the pizzeria, Splinter has to be told the news. Mikey was deemed to chaotic to break it to him and Casey has no place since it is a family matter. So the two get some alone time as the others explain to Splinter what happened. They make their way to the bathrooms and after a bit of silent comfort in the form of Casey and Mikey leaning on each other on the dirty bathroom floor.

"Raph noticed." It's all he says, he knows he doesn't have to say anything else as the turtle just lets out a grunt of acknowledgement. 

"Do you think the others did?"

"I think they're all a bit too stressed either to ask or to notice... But if things were normal... I think so."

The turtle lets a genuine smile crawl onto his face as he sighs and rests his head on Casey's shoulder.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I appreciate your comments :3 - Zack


	20. Like a stab in my heart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A talk in a stall.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Casey is an idiot)

Donnie had to make another batch of retro mutagen. Which meant finding mutagen, and then at least an excruciating month of Donnie making the retro mutagen. This presented opportunities for Mikey and Casey to be alone. There were two ways, out on the search for mutagen which was incredibly risky. The other was hope that everyone left them alone and they could just hide in the bathroom from Splinter. 

Most of the time, it was hiding in the bathroom. And since Mikey clearly quickly understood that Splinter knew to some extent about their... relationship. He was a lot quicker to push Casey into a stall and getting on his knees. As much as the human wants to tell Mikey:

'This hurts'

'I don't know if I want to do this anymore'

'I like you too much'

'I can't keep doing this knowing you don't like me back and never will'

The human tells himself that saying this would just hurt the turtle more. Not to mention, letting Mikey do this whenever he wants as many times as he wants is draining. Often, Casey gets tired when he goes out with Raph, Mikey, or April on the search for mutagen. Despite the emotional and physical strain, Mikey is slowly craving sex more than pills. A win in Casey Jones's book. And he can't deny that the time spent in the stalls is a welcome distraction to the alien invasion that's on going.

However, the dark haired human finds himself missing just their talks. Missing making the monotone turtle laugh. Missing the small genuine smiles he could get out of the turtle. Then again, maybe eventually it'll hurt enough that the feelings will go away.

"Casey? What's wrong?" The orange clad turtle asks from between Casey's legs, he was in the process of undoing Casey's pants but stopped upon noticing Casey had spaced out.

Said human was caught off guard by the question since usually Mikey would just continue feeding into his urges. Then again, this is Michelangelo, the turtle that knows what everyone else is thinking sometimes before they even know. "I... Just thinking..." he sighs.

The turtle furrows his brows before zipping up Casey's pants again and sitting on the ground in front of the human "What are you thinking about?"

Casey stares at Mikey for a second before looking down "It's..."

"If you say it's nothing I will slap you"

That caused the dark haired human to quickly shut his mouth, gulping. He can't tell Mikey, he can't. The turtle has been doing so much better, his withdrawal symptoms are barely there. Some small part of his mind knows he shouldn't keep doing this, trying to get rid of one addiction by feeding another. Said other addiction hurting the human as well as just being another thing for Mikey to be dependent on. But it's better than before, right? At least that's how Casey keeps justifying it.

"You're spacing out again" The turtle says in his monotone voice, snapping Casey out of his thoughts.

"R-Right... Sorry..." The human rubs the back of his neck.

"Hmm..." The turtle seems to analyze the vigilante as he hums.

"Now what's going on in your head?" The hockey player shoots back as he notices this.

"It seems that you don't want to tell me what's wrong from fear of how I'll react... Am I right?"

Casey chuckles a bit "Is that even a question? It's you" he smiles at the orange clad turtle.

That gets a small laugh from the turtle which brings a bigger smile to Casey's face "You know... We haven't talked much... It's mostly just been carnal pleasure... Mostly on my part" he admits with what seems to be a bit of embarrassment.

Either Casey is getting better at reading Mikey or the turtle is missing his touch. It's not likely Mikey would willingly show that he's embarrassed.

That is unless...

Mikey trusts Casey enough to not hide anything.

That mere thought causes the human's heart to skip a beat.

"Can't deny that... But hey, you're laying off the drugs" The vigilante offers a small smile which the turtle genuinely replicates.

"That is true... I will say that this" Mikey gestures to both of them "Is a lot more pleasant than taking a bunch of pills to make my brain fly off all on my own."

Casey nods as he gets up off of the toilet and sits next to Mikey on the floor "Well, I prefer this too" he smiles.

A bright blush invades the human's face as Mikey doesn't just lean against Casey, he wraps an arm around the human's waist as well, clinging to him.

"I know you still have feelings towards me... I know you try to hide it..."

He wants to deny it, doesn't want to ruin what they've built. 

'Yes, but it's fine, we can keep doing this'

'I just don't want to ruin this'

'It doesn't have to matter'

'Stay with me'

That thought wasn't supposed to come forward, his thinking is interrupted.

"What is it like?"

"What's what like?"

"Having those feelings... Having a crush... What is it like?"

Casey knows he was going to ask that question eventually. Someone who's never felt it before, of course he was going to.  
"Well, it's hard to explain... No one really knows how to I guess... Uh..." he looks down at Mikey again, smiling "Kinda like being happy I guess? Being happy with someone, them making you happy..."

"So... feeling joy with someone? But can't that be platonic and familiar too?"

"Um, well, true. Then again, you can feel those types of stuff too, not just partners."

Casey feels the turtle nod against him.

"I guess the difference is that plus your heart being weird. Feelings are weird... You're lucky" It gets a laugh out of the turtle, the genuine ones he likes to hear and it causes him to chuckle a bit. "It's... wanting them to be happy even without you...But, you also want to be the one that makes them happy."  
He knows he's failing, he's pretty bad at explaining things as is, but something that complex? It's a struggle, especially to someone who most likely will never feel it.

"Does it ever feel nauseating?"

"What?"

"Like it makes you want to throw up?"

"Oh, sometimes..." 

'There's no way'

"Casey?"

"Yeah?"

"What's the difference between love and lust?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Mikey is a smart idiot)


End file.
